I am Alive!

So, I have been absent. Blogging is sometimes hard for me to do, like writing in my journal. there are weeks and months in my journal with entries almost daily- and then- poof! i disappear for months. I think it's related to my depression- when i am in a "down" swing, i tend to dislike writing anything. journal, letters, email, blogs. years ago i wrote a poem- an oral poem only, that i memorized and the punch line was basically "but i can't write it down because then it would exist". for years before i was on meds for depression that was a main reason i wouldn't write- i just didn't want to have to face it later- or have it in writing as hard "proof" of my state of existance. i, like most people who suffer from depression of any sort, was very good at faking it, at covering up the absolute miserableness i really felt every minute of every day; to write something contrary to that was somehow hypocritical! what irony! since it was the fake, covering up me that was hypocritical.
Anyway- that's not usually why i don't write now. since i've been on meds, i don't usually feel like that- and when i do it's usually because i've messed up the meds. *grin* no, the reason i don't like to write when i'm in my funks now is just because it takes so- much- energy.
crazy? yeah. but when i'm in a down and out funk, the mental, emotional, and physical energy required to simply put my thoughts on paper or on screen is simply more than i feel capable of doing. and when my funk-filled mind considers the exertion it would take to do so, it frequently follows up with something to the effect of "you ain't got nothin' worth writin' anyway, so why bother?"
sometimes i don't blog because i haven't quite figured things out yet, the way i can do in a private hand-written journal. some things i can't figure out on screen. the neatly arranged rows of instantaneous typefont are fluid enough for the emotional intensity of my maelstorm mind. so i don't blog at all, because i don't want to blog about something inane and worthless, which i think is my only option to deep and profound.
so, i'm blogging now. still haven't truly figured everything out on paper. but i got a lot of it down, and figured, and mostly reconciled. and i'm starting to be able to see little happy things in my daily life. little things that were gone or i'd forgotten under the burden of stress i was carrying in the name of "making a living." and, although i am still rather terrified about how cindy and i are going to meet all of our financial needs with me unemployed and cindy working part time, i have come to the point that i can BREATHE again- truly breathe in deep refreshing calming droughts of Holy Spirit- and i can look back and recognize how unhealthy my job was for me. and for those around me. and i can breathe, look forward, and say without one trace of guilt or bitterness- in fact, i can take simple pure joy in saying it- "i never have to go back there again. those problems are no longer mine."
Praise Jesus.
tomorrow i start a one-week engagement as a temporary receptionist for a company whose normal lady is on vacation through next week. this is not through a temp agency, which means i actually get the real salary ($12/hr) and no taxes are withheld. since i won't be making enough from this job to have to file with the IRS, this is nice. and a nice little band-aid for my financial panic. it is also ideal in that other than answer the phones and check the fax machine, i have no duties. when i asked the receptionist what i should be doing in the other time, she pointed to the computer screen and said, "i shop online!" or read books, magazines, write, whatever. So, not only will i get to work in a very pleasant and friendly environment, with lots of natural light and foliage, i will be able to spend as much time on my job search as i would at home. maybe more, since i won't have the distraction of The Monkees at noon on MeTV. hee hee.
i am a little worried about getting there on-time after 10 days of not being able to go to sleep once i go to bed. started off little, but grew into a big deal- when you go to bed at 11 and lie there, desperately tired but unable to shut your mind down and fall asleep, until 2, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30... once even 4 o'clock... it makes it really really hard to keep yourself awake during the day (which you want to do, so that you might be tired enough to fall asleep that night), and it gets really really hard to keep up a good attitude. Sunday night was the worst. insomnia, mind won't shut up, an added fun facet of sinus pain and excrutiating headache, going back and forth from one end of bed to the other, sobbing in frustration, pain, deseration that please God i just want to go to sleep- then morphing into absolute anger and yelling at God (in my head of course, don't want to wake Cindy up) about how much this sucks, and how i'm not really sure he has any kind of plan in store for me at all, and that if He did, he sure sucked at guiding me down it, cuz i have tried and tired and tried to do what i think he wants and i've asked and asked for what he wants me to do to be clear, but it sure ain't worked so far, has it, God?!?!?!
Yes, emily wastn't so happy sunday night. i realized that it was the first time that i'd every really truly thought to myself "God doesn't have a thing in store for me. it's all a big joke."
that lasted about 20 minutes. *grin* but, the fact that it happened at all i think is significant. instead of just sugar-coating all my doubts in a layer of "but God has a plan for me" sticky sweetness, i was absolutely brutally honest with myself, and then with God, about how i was feeling in my soul. and after i got it all out, not only did i feel better physically from getting all that energy out, but God (of course) implemented the next little step of "guiding emily toward me and therefore healing" by prompting me to turn on my cd player (remote control) because maybe music will distract me mind long enough to fall asleep!!! (that's what i was thinking) and the Newsboys starts playing, track 1 "Devotion" and by the time i'm to track 7 (i call it "Lullaby") i'm ready to hit repeat and listen over and over to the refrain about God "building you a home, building you a home- selah"
mind you, my bed never did become comfortable that night, and after a half-dozen times of "Lullaby" the idea of going out to the couch actually sounded comfortable, and i did, and managed to sleep in fits and starts, waking up 4 times that i can remember to radically change position again. not really restful at all, but in some way, still nourishing. monday was great, with me getting two tailored resumes out, one of them being the one for this temp job i do tomorrow. monday night i slept better, if still not "well", and tuesday was a very good day which i will relate at another time. because it's midnight. and my alarm is going off at 5:30. and i'm hoping i can actually fall asleep in the next hour. if i do, it will be the earliest in more than a week!
for those of you out there praying for me after getting the brief message that i'd left my job, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. i love you all. i hope you've enjoyed reading this proof that i still exist, and am even enjoying some of my life.