there's a song by Barlow Girl called Never Alone. If you haven't heard it, i'd highly recommend finding a copy or calling your local Christian rock station and requesting it. It's pretty much the way i'm feeling this week. more like, it's a perfect description of what i'm clinging to this week.
i'm going to post the lyrics, but really, you've got to hear the music - the harmony and orchestration of beautiful musicality with the hardness of rock. it's one of those that is best listened to loud, and in stereo surround (like in my car...)
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I'm hoping and praying for the unseen- i'm clinging to the promises in the Word that God takes care of His children. I'm doing my best to be active and positive rather than giving in to utter despondency and sitting in my basement staring at the wall, or sleeping my life's worries away. Both of those options are very alluring right now. Walls can be very interesting.
i don't see the point of God bringing us (me and cindy) right back to where we started: Two years ago almost to the day we moved into this aparment in chicago without any emploment between the two of us. And look! Two years later- that's exactly where we are again! desperately trying to cover expenses, trying to be self-sufficient, trying to feel like we're actually more than just empty baggage floating down the river of life... and i at least had unemployment benefits coming every two weeks, and that's what we've been living on since last septmber.
only, unemployment benefits aren't 52 weeks anymore. it's six months. and so i deposited my last check today, for less than the full amount. if i'd known it was going to run out, i would have started looking for PART time jobs at the new year, instead of just full time. i would have been prepared. i would have robbed a bank.
thing is, i have only myself to blame. i'd been thinking recently that i should call and doublecheck the status of my benefits. i'd slacked off sending as many resumes over the last two months and spent all my time studying for the biology content teaching exam, and then prepping for the CTF interview. i don't evn know if that's what God has prepared for me! I should not have decreased my efforts at seeking other opportunities. but honestly, it felt nice to know that i had this cushion of a couple of months yet- i wasn't in a hurry- i'd wait and see if i got into Chicago Teaching Fellows. that way i'd know if i needed a permanent or temporary job.
but hey, the plans of man dry up like withered grass, and burn in the sun, right?
i need a God-sized miracle of provision right now. we have to sign our lease in the next week. i can't guarantee i'll have rent on the 31st. we're looking for work, anywhere, doing anything, and we can't really drive our car because the brakes are grinding. i cannot function without my meds, but i will need more in 5 weeks. and this stupid keyboard is skipping letters every other word!!! argh! There's all these things i want to do, to be a part of here, but i can't do anything without money. needless to say, i've been sending a ton of resumes and calling a whole bunch this week. but then we (dana and me) went to teh grocery store, and i remembered i can't buy groceries. and won't be able to until something miraculous happens.
i'm very tired. tired of being desperate. tired of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. tired of not being a productive part of my community. tired of barely scraping by. tired.
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
Wednesday, March 7
Monday, February 26
I got my Test Scores!
And i PASSED!!! Praise Jesus!!!
Not only did i pass, but i did so with flying colors! I needed 240 out of 300 to pass the biology content exam i took January 28. I got 279!
The results page i got in the mail today breaks the composite score (279) into the categories that were covered and gives what score i got in each of those categories. I feel the need to share. *grin*
Science and Technology 278 (out of 300)
Life Science 290
Physical Science 250
Earth Systems& the Universe 280
Cell Biology, Heredity, Evolution 275
Organismal Biology and Ecology 300
Yes, a perfect score in one category! that makes up for the lowest score of 250 in PHYSICS! (oh, the bane of physics over my life- will it never end???) hee hee
actually, physical science really could have bit me in the butt, seeing as how you have to hae 240 or more in each category, not only the composite score. so, if i'd gotten less than 240 in that i would not have passed. so THANK GOD for that 250!
Thanks to all who prayed for me concerning this test! NExt big date is March 9, when i will learn if i've been invited, wait listed, or declined by the Chicago TEaching Fellows program.
Not only did i pass, but i did so with flying colors! I needed 240 out of 300 to pass the biology content exam i took January 28. I got 279!
The results page i got in the mail today breaks the composite score (279) into the categories that were covered and gives what score i got in each of those categories. I feel the need to share. *grin*
Science and Technology 278 (out of 300)
Life Science 290
Physical Science 250
Earth Systems& the Universe 280
Cell Biology, Heredity, Evolution 275
Organismal Biology and Ecology 300
Yes, a perfect score in one category! that makes up for the lowest score of 250 in PHYSICS! (oh, the bane of physics over my life- will it never end???) hee hee
actually, physical science really could have bit me in the butt, seeing as how you have to hae 240 or more in each category, not only the composite score. so, if i'd gotten less than 240 in that i would not have passed. so THANK GOD for that 250!
Thanks to all who prayed for me concerning this test! NExt big date is March 9, when i will learn if i've been invited, wait listed, or declined by the Chicago TEaching Fellows program.
Wednesday, February 21
How'd the Interview event go?
Well, so last Saturday (well, a week ago saturday- Feb 10) was my big Chicago Teaching Fellows interview event. i arrived at Clemente High School bright and early at 8:20 to sign in for the 9:00 start time. i lined up with more than a hundred other candidates, signed in, handed over copies of my official college transcripts, and sat in an auditorium nervously going over my 5-minute sample lesson mentally. went through the introduction, welcome, explanation of the day, and listened for my name to be called in a room assignment list. room 404. i joined 6 others, who happened to all be women, in a small Spanish classroom and met my two evaluators- two young women who have been through similar programs in chicago. these women had been given the applications and personal statements of all seven of us that were assigned to them. they'd gone over all of our information and would watch as we took turns giving our sample lessons to one another, listened to a scenario and then spent 20 minutes in a group discussion about it, gave a two-minute written response to a concluding question about the discussion scenario, and wrote furiously for twenty minutes in response to another scenario designed to test our writing skills.
Then, we went back to the auditorium with everyone else, went through 45 minutes of general question and answer about chicago teaching fellows, and then everyone either went to or waited for their individual interview. individual interviews were conducted by one of the evaluators we'd spent the morning with, and were precisely 20 minutes long. i was the last interview for my group. i went and ate a leisurely lunch, thanked God for giving me a good morning and getting me through thus far, and wrote in my journal. then i went at 2:00 for my personal interview.
It sucked. well, at least i thought it sucked. as i walked out of the room i felt like turning around and saying "i really don't stand a chance, do i?" my second thought was, well God, at least now i'll know that if i DO get invited to be in this program it is TOTALLY YOU, cuz it sure as heck ain't me that impressed 'em.
what went wrong? i dunno. i just got the distinct impression that my interviewer didn't think i was inner city high risk high school material. like i wasn't tough enough. she read a scenario for one of the questions and seemed to belittle me for my first response being indignation at the scenario's school vice principal. um, okay, should everyone be indignant to hear that a vice principal brings a kid BACK into your classroom after you've sent him to the office and in front of your class, tells you that "if you can't handle discipline in your classroom i'll find someone who will!" yes, i should be angry, indignant, and surprised! the question then was, what would you do? so i'm trying to work through what on earth i would do, and so much of it is dependent on what the kids in that class were like, how the kid in question was being disruptive, etc. several things came into my mind, all very different, depending on those variables. she didn't seem to like my answers, and told me that many of the schools served by the program have administrators like this. i said "and people wonder why schools fail..." and she immediately began- well, almost defending administrators and saying how some teachers just don't cut it with discipline and need to be held accountable. um, i agree, but the scenario didn't say "you send him to the office for the third time that week" it said there was a kid who'd been giving you problems all year and this day you send him out of the room to the office. doesn't seem like an instance of bad classroom discipline, seems like an instance of poor administration support of teachers.
anyway, i latched onto how she seemed to be looking for the teaching discipline and emphasized that i had no trouble adhering to established discipline procedures, felt comfortable handling and de-escalating many situations while subbing and working with highly volatile kids at madison center, and that i was commended several times by school administrators when i'd sub in a particular class or school for NOT having to send anyone to the office and still be productive. (i was NOT a walk-over sub.) i think i only sent a kid to the office once. in almost a year of subbing in almost every school in our district.
so, i dunno. i'm not holding my breath. i AM then a bit confused about what God has in store for me- i know i'm supposed to teach, but where else other than this, what with my current financial situation??? i'll wait and see.
I'll know if i've been invited to participate, placed on a waiting list, or declined on March 9. I'll let you all know in a very timely fashion. (i find out this Friday if i passed the test i took January 28, which i have to pass if i do get accepted to the Fellows program.)
Then, we went back to the auditorium with everyone else, went through 45 minutes of general question and answer about chicago teaching fellows, and then everyone either went to or waited for their individual interview. individual interviews were conducted by one of the evaluators we'd spent the morning with, and were precisely 20 minutes long. i was the last interview for my group. i went and ate a leisurely lunch, thanked God for giving me a good morning and getting me through thus far, and wrote in my journal. then i went at 2:00 for my personal interview.
It sucked. well, at least i thought it sucked. as i walked out of the room i felt like turning around and saying "i really don't stand a chance, do i?" my second thought was, well God, at least now i'll know that if i DO get invited to be in this program it is TOTALLY YOU, cuz it sure as heck ain't me that impressed 'em.
what went wrong? i dunno. i just got the distinct impression that my interviewer didn't think i was inner city high risk high school material. like i wasn't tough enough. she read a scenario for one of the questions and seemed to belittle me for my first response being indignation at the scenario's school vice principal. um, okay, should everyone be indignant to hear that a vice principal brings a kid BACK into your classroom after you've sent him to the office and in front of your class, tells you that "if you can't handle discipline in your classroom i'll find someone who will!" yes, i should be angry, indignant, and surprised! the question then was, what would you do? so i'm trying to work through what on earth i would do, and so much of it is dependent on what the kids in that class were like, how the kid in question was being disruptive, etc. several things came into my mind, all very different, depending on those variables. she didn't seem to like my answers, and told me that many of the schools served by the program have administrators like this. i said "and people wonder why schools fail..." and she immediately began- well, almost defending administrators and saying how some teachers just don't cut it with discipline and need to be held accountable. um, i agree, but the scenario didn't say "you send him to the office for the third time that week" it said there was a kid who'd been giving you problems all year and this day you send him out of the room to the office. doesn't seem like an instance of bad classroom discipline, seems like an instance of poor administration support of teachers.
anyway, i latched onto how she seemed to be looking for the teaching discipline and emphasized that i had no trouble adhering to established discipline procedures, felt comfortable handling and de-escalating many situations while subbing and working with highly volatile kids at madison center, and that i was commended several times by school administrators when i'd sub in a particular class or school for NOT having to send anyone to the office and still be productive. (i was NOT a walk-over sub.) i think i only sent a kid to the office once. in almost a year of subbing in almost every school in our district.
so, i dunno. i'm not holding my breath. i AM then a bit confused about what God has in store for me- i know i'm supposed to teach, but where else other than this, what with my current financial situation??? i'll wait and see.
I'll know if i've been invited to participate, placed on a waiting list, or declined on March 9. I'll let you all know in a very timely fashion. (i find out this Friday if i passed the test i took January 28, which i have to pass if i do get accepted to the Fellows program.)
Friday, February 9
Anxiety Attacks!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so i'm starting to feel this queasiness in my gut whenever i think about my interview on Saturday (please reference earlier blogs and www.chicagoteachingfellows.org for further information). It starts at 9:00 a.m. and will last about 4 hours. I will do a 5-minute sample lesson of my own creation, a round-table discussion, a writing sample, and a personal interview. specific things that i'm worried about are my 5-minute lesson, the round-table discussion, the writing sample, and the individual interview.
just kidding.
i am worried that i'll flub the sample lesson, or that mine will suck compared to the 10-12 other interviewee's lessons, or that i won't finish in five minutes. i'm not worried about the discussion or writing sample too much.
what worries me the most is the personal interview. they will review our resume info, work history and accomplishments, and transcripts. i'm worried that my transcript is flimsy (i really didn't take as much biology and other science as i should have- i only had enough for a BA in biology and not a BS) and my GPA is on the low end of their requirement (at least a 3.0 required, i had a 3.1) and i have a pattern of withdrawls. Now, most all of that is because i spent most of my college years clinically depressed. and completely unmotivated toward the goal of my major that i felt trapped in (biology pre-med and then med school).
and my work history doesn't show the best consistency either- ironically, because i want to teach. i was 2 years at a admin job and left to teach at an alternative school. after one year, our budget was cut and since i was low man on the totem pole, i was cut, too. so God led me to Madison Center, where i learned just how much i AM capable of doing and even was awarded the Employee of the Year honor (1100 employees, not bad...). but after two years, i left that job to move to chicago, because i wanted to be a teacher, and opportunity for going back to school (or getting into a program like this one i'm interviewing for) is much greater. but then i get a job in chicago- again as an admin- and work there for only 18 months. and now i've been unemployed since August. yeah, i'm a great candidate.
thing is, this is what i want. i want to teach. and i want to teach in public schools with kids that most people don't care about.
so, i'm praying a lot. that God will be present with me on Saturday, especially during the interview, and allow the interviewer to see what it is i am capable of being as a result of the stuggles i've had in the past, rather than seeing me as a product of bad decisions and not being committed. sigh. yeah, i know- satan is the father of lies, and the father of fear.
so please pray for the Spirit to protect my spirit and me to be calm and to do my best on Saturday. Thanks.
just kidding.
i am worried that i'll flub the sample lesson, or that mine will suck compared to the 10-12 other interviewee's lessons, or that i won't finish in five minutes. i'm not worried about the discussion or writing sample too much.
what worries me the most is the personal interview. they will review our resume info, work history and accomplishments, and transcripts. i'm worried that my transcript is flimsy (i really didn't take as much biology and other science as i should have- i only had enough for a BA in biology and not a BS) and my GPA is on the low end of their requirement (at least a 3.0 required, i had a 3.1) and i have a pattern of withdrawls. Now, most all of that is because i spent most of my college years clinically depressed. and completely unmotivated toward the goal of my major that i felt trapped in (biology pre-med and then med school).
and my work history doesn't show the best consistency either- ironically, because i want to teach. i was 2 years at a admin job and left to teach at an alternative school. after one year, our budget was cut and since i was low man on the totem pole, i was cut, too. so God led me to Madison Center, where i learned just how much i AM capable of doing and even was awarded the Employee of the Year honor (1100 employees, not bad...). but after two years, i left that job to move to chicago, because i wanted to be a teacher, and opportunity for going back to school (or getting into a program like this one i'm interviewing for) is much greater. but then i get a job in chicago- again as an admin- and work there for only 18 months. and now i've been unemployed since August. yeah, i'm a great candidate.
thing is, this is what i want. i want to teach. and i want to teach in public schools with kids that most people don't care about.
so, i'm praying a lot. that God will be present with me on Saturday, especially during the interview, and allow the interviewer to see what it is i am capable of being as a result of the stuggles i've had in the past, rather than seeing me as a product of bad decisions and not being committed. sigh. yeah, i know- satan is the father of lies, and the father of fear.
so please pray for the Spirit to protect my spirit and me to be calm and to do my best on Saturday. Thanks.
Monday, February 5
Re: super bowl
well, doesn't THAT just stink.
no offense, but if John Elway had to suffer through THREE super bowl losses before winning one, i think peyton manning certainly deserved to go through at least ONE loss before winning. cuz let's face it, the colts will be back to the super bowl. The Bears? hey- we were lucky to get to this one.
tonight on the news there were of course the "reaction pieces" with oh-so-interesting interviews with chicagoans... just about everyone had some sort of variation on the "there's always next year" theme.
i'm thinking those folks are also Cubs fans.
mostly i'm sad for Rex Grossman, the chicago Bears much maligned quarterback. he's been criticized all season long, and with two (three?) interceptions, i'm sure much of chicago will place the superbowl loss squarely on him. and that stinks. sure, he's no john elway- not even a peyton manning- but he played starting QB on a team that made it to the superbowl, and i relaly think that oughtta count for something- like, maybe a little respect.
(btw, i've been posting to my blog via the "email to post" feature, which is why there is the little tag about yahoo at the end of each post- it's not cuz their sponsoring me or i get paid for advertising- it's just cuz they add a tag to everything sent using their free email accounts. someday, when i actually figure out why Blogger suddenly isn't letting me log in to my account from my computer, i'll go in and edit all that yahoo crud out.)
thanks for reading. i hope wherever you are is warmer than where i am today. (high of ZERO, so you can just imagine what the wind chills have been. not as bad as the 80 below in des moines back in my college days, but still pretty uninviting. and our state-of-the-art vintage original-to-the-building windows aren't quite up to the task. we've got a lovely ice garden developing on the inside of our living room window. ICE, mind you- no wimpy frost going on here- we've got ice deposits building up in interesting and beautiful patterns. i just can't WAIT til that ice all melts into our completely watertight and certainly not rotting out vintage window frames.) from the disappointed Windy City- emily
no offense, but if John Elway had to suffer through THREE super bowl losses before winning one, i think peyton manning certainly deserved to go through at least ONE loss before winning. cuz let's face it, the colts will be back to the super bowl. The Bears? hey- we were lucky to get to this one.
tonight on the news there were of course the "reaction pieces" with oh-so-interesting interviews with chicagoans... just about everyone had some sort of variation on the "there's always next year" theme.
i'm thinking those folks are also Cubs fans.
mostly i'm sad for Rex Grossman, the chicago Bears much maligned quarterback. he's been criticized all season long, and with two (three?) interceptions, i'm sure much of chicago will place the superbowl loss squarely on him. and that stinks. sure, he's no john elway- not even a peyton manning- but he played starting QB on a team that made it to the superbowl, and i relaly think that oughtta count for something- like, maybe a little respect.
(btw, i've been posting to my blog via the "email to post" feature, which is why there is the little tag about yahoo at the end of each post- it's not cuz their sponsoring me or i get paid for advertising- it's just cuz they add a tag to everything sent using their free email accounts. someday, when i actually figure out why Blogger suddenly isn't letting me log in to my account from my computer, i'll go in and edit all that yahoo crud out.)
thanks for reading. i hope wherever you are is warmer than where i am today. (high of ZERO, so you can just imagine what the wind chills have been. not as bad as the 80 below in des moines back in my college days, but still pretty uninviting. and our state-of-the-art vintage original-to-the-building windows aren't quite up to the task. we've got a lovely ice garden developing on the inside of our living room window. ICE, mind you- no wimpy frost going on here- we've got ice deposits building up in interesting and beautiful patterns. i just can't WAIT til that ice all melts into our completely watertight and certainly not rotting out vintage window frames.) from the disappointed Windy City- emily
Sunday, February 4
another week, different focal points
Last week, and the weeks leading up to last saturday, were mostly focused on the fact that i was taking the Biology content Exam (for teachers) at 1:30 p.m. saturday january 27. spent a fair bit of time studying- more than i have since graduating college- and preparing myself mentally to fail the hardest test i've ever taken. i went into it honestly without much anxiety, because i have other opportunities to take the test, and i had no idea what to expect- so, i'll go and see what it's like so i know how to study for my next attempt.
The test is over now, and it was both easier and harder than i expected it to be. Easier in that the biology content was within my scope of knowledge. i felt fairly comfortable with how i did on the biology content. so what (you may be wondering) content was there other than biology? i mean,wasn't this the "Biology Content Exam"? yes, it was. however, you cannot separate out the sciences like you can different languages; you cannot have biology with chemistry, physics, ecology, etc. so, all of the science content exams have a block of questions that cover all of the sciences. i knew this going in. however, i did not expect to be on question 78 of 125 and be wondering "where's the biology?"
So, it was harder in that there was much more non-bio content than i was expecting, and really much more content in the areas of astronomy, earth science, and geology than i was expecting. cell plates formed in plant cells during mitosis? i got that covered. tectonic plates and how they form "island-arc systems" in western north america? not so much.
there were several questions that i managed to remember well enough to look up the answers when i got home (i love the internet) and i believe i chose wisely on all of those. so, i am hopeful that i was able to make good test-taking decisions even on the questions i had not a clue on the answer. post-test, i'd say there was a much better chance of my passing the test than i previously thought; so now, i'm hoping that maybe i won't have to take it again. I won't be surprised wither way- whether i pass or fail- it's a coin toss at this point.
so the new week brought new things to focus on- namely my interview for the Chicago Teaching Fellows Program on February 10. i'm working on my five-minute sample lesson (i think i've finally settled on a topic) and re-reading the materials they sent to be used in the round-table discussion and writing sample. i've ordered my transcripts (please God let them arrive on time!) and am trying to find suitable clothing to wear. i really need a new pair of all-purpose black shoes. it sounds frivolous, but it's really not- i'm trying to put together something that is professional yet comfortable and gives a good impression while also making me feel like i know what i'm doing. and all my choices seem to come down to the fact that i haven't got black shoes. sigh. i have one pair that is nearing falling apart, but the falling apart isn't visible- they look great, they feel horrible. but, i'll prolly make them do. i shouldn't have to be on my feet for much of the day.
and then this new week also brought the sad end of a focus of my life for the last nine months- Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro was euthanized on Monday morning (jan. 29). I make a point of watching the Derby every year- i usually tape it- and then the Preakness and Belmont Stakes. i'm not a horse racing fan, but i am a Triple Crown fan. not sure why, except that God seems to have created especially beautiful examples of power, grace and beauty in these elegant and sometimes feisty creatures. i've always loved horses, and always wished to know them better- but haven't had much opportunity for long-term horsemanship in my sphere of life. so, i watch the triple crown. i think partly because i grew up hearing my mom talk about watching Secretariat, and how she admired him and his incredible athleticism. I hope every year to catch the next Secretariat- to find that next horse with the incredible talent and ability and the personality, heart, and spirit to match.
last may at the Kentucky Derby, i found my best candidate for that horse in Barbaro. and apparently, so did a lot of other people. i cried after the Preakness. sure, he was alive, but his body was no longer a race horse, while his heart and mind were. So, monday when he died, i sat and watched all his races (kentucky derby website) and cried and for the first time ever found myself wishing that animals go to heaven. or, found myself fervently wishing that parallel universes really existed. people ask me why i got so involved with Barbaro- why his ups and downs could bring tears to my eyes- and really i think it's this: my soul grieves for the race horse that never raced- that future Barbaro, the horse that was just being tapped when he was brought to a screeching halt. last may 20 i found myself wanting those parallel universes because there was something very comforting in thinking that somewhere that horse was still breezing, still working, still running and winning races. monday i cried and i also thought that although he stopped living today, part of him had died last may. and perhaps, in the long run, never being able to run again would have been too much for him?
so, i grieved for the unhappy end to the saga, and watched his races again, and said goodbye, and moved on to the next focus of the week: Scott, Kirsten and Sarah Johnson coming to Chicago for a brief weekend scouting trip! i haven't seen them in five years (Sarah had just turned 3) and they are considering moving to the Chicago area. lemme tell you- the excitement of seeing them again was a big motivation all week! i got to spend all day Friday with them, tooling around the western 'burbs with a realtor giving them a "brief introduction to the communities, and what you can expect for your money in them". i was thrilled to be able to hang out and "meet" Sarah, now close to 8, and catch a glimpse of the wonderful person she's becoming. I was privileged to be able to hear from Scott and Kirsten how this process has progressed, and how it has tested and strengthened them both, and will continue to do so. i was hoping to be able to hang with them Saturday a.m. before their flight home, but it didn't work out. my biggest regret is that i was planning on taking a pic of them and Sarah on my phone Saturday... oh, well- it's likely they will do another of these trips in the future.
so, now it's sunday, february 4- SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! and in about 2 hours the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts will kickoff a showdown for Midwestern bragging rights. I go on the record now- I am pulling for the BEARS. GO BEARS GO!
This week's focus: my interview event with Chicago Teaching Fellows on Saturday morning/afternoon. i ask for prayers as i prepare and go through the interview. see you all next time!
The test is over now, and it was both easier and harder than i expected it to be. Easier in that the biology content was within my scope of knowledge. i felt fairly comfortable with how i did on the biology content. so what (you may be wondering) content was there other than biology? i mean,wasn't this the "Biology Content Exam"? yes, it was. however, you cannot separate out the sciences like you can different languages; you cannot have biology with chemistry, physics, ecology, etc. so, all of the science content exams have a block of questions that cover all of the sciences. i knew this going in. however, i did not expect to be on question 78 of 125 and be wondering "where's the biology?"
So, it was harder in that there was much more non-bio content than i was expecting, and really much more content in the areas of astronomy, earth science, and geology than i was expecting. cell plates formed in plant cells during mitosis? i got that covered. tectonic plates and how they form "island-arc systems" in western north america? not so much.
there were several questions that i managed to remember well enough to look up the answers when i got home (i love the internet) and i believe i chose wisely on all of those. so, i am hopeful that i was able to make good test-taking decisions even on the questions i had not a clue on the answer. post-test, i'd say there was a much better chance of my passing the test than i previously thought; so now, i'm hoping that maybe i won't have to take it again. I won't be surprised wither way- whether i pass or fail- it's a coin toss at this point.
so the new week brought new things to focus on- namely my interview for the Chicago Teaching Fellows Program on February 10. i'm working on my five-minute sample lesson (i think i've finally settled on a topic) and re-reading the materials they sent to be used in the round-table discussion and writing sample. i've ordered my transcripts (please God let them arrive on time!) and am trying to find suitable clothing to wear. i really need a new pair of all-purpose black shoes. it sounds frivolous, but it's really not- i'm trying to put together something that is professional yet comfortable and gives a good impression while also making me feel like i know what i'm doing. and all my choices seem to come down to the fact that i haven't got black shoes. sigh. i have one pair that is nearing falling apart, but the falling apart isn't visible- they look great, they feel horrible. but, i'll prolly make them do. i shouldn't have to be on my feet for much of the day.
and then this new week also brought the sad end of a focus of my life for the last nine months- Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro was euthanized on Monday morning (jan. 29). I make a point of watching the Derby every year- i usually tape it- and then the Preakness and Belmont Stakes. i'm not a horse racing fan, but i am a Triple Crown fan. not sure why, except that God seems to have created especially beautiful examples of power, grace and beauty in these elegant and sometimes feisty creatures. i've always loved horses, and always wished to know them better- but haven't had much opportunity for long-term horsemanship in my sphere of life. so, i watch the triple crown. i think partly because i grew up hearing my mom talk about watching Secretariat, and how she admired him and his incredible athleticism. I hope every year to catch the next Secretariat- to find that next horse with the incredible talent and ability and the personality, heart, and spirit to match.
last may at the Kentucky Derby, i found my best candidate for that horse in Barbaro. and apparently, so did a lot of other people. i cried after the Preakness. sure, he was alive, but his body was no longer a race horse, while his heart and mind were. So, monday when he died, i sat and watched all his races (kentucky derby website) and cried and for the first time ever found myself wishing that animals go to heaven. or, found myself fervently wishing that parallel universes really existed. people ask me why i got so involved with Barbaro- why his ups and downs could bring tears to my eyes- and really i think it's this: my soul grieves for the race horse that never raced- that future Barbaro, the horse that was just being tapped when he was brought to a screeching halt. last may 20 i found myself wanting those parallel universes because there was something very comforting in thinking that somewhere that horse was still breezing, still working, still running and winning races. monday i cried and i also thought that although he stopped living today, part of him had died last may. and perhaps, in the long run, never being able to run again would have been too much for him?
so, i grieved for the unhappy end to the saga, and watched his races again, and said goodbye, and moved on to the next focus of the week: Scott, Kirsten and Sarah Johnson coming to Chicago for a brief weekend scouting trip! i haven't seen them in five years (Sarah had just turned 3) and they are considering moving to the Chicago area. lemme tell you- the excitement of seeing them again was a big motivation all week! i got to spend all day Friday with them, tooling around the western 'burbs with a realtor giving them a "brief introduction to the communities, and what you can expect for your money in them". i was thrilled to be able to hang out and "meet" Sarah, now close to 8, and catch a glimpse of the wonderful person she's becoming. I was privileged to be able to hear from Scott and Kirsten how this process has progressed, and how it has tested and strengthened them both, and will continue to do so. i was hoping to be able to hang with them Saturday a.m. before their flight home, but it didn't work out. my biggest regret is that i was planning on taking a pic of them and Sarah on my phone Saturday... oh, well- it's likely they will do another of these trips in the future.
so, now it's sunday, february 4- SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! and in about 2 hours the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts will kickoff a showdown for Midwestern bragging rights. I go on the record now- I am pulling for the BEARS. GO BEARS GO!
This week's focus: my interview event with Chicago Teaching Fellows on Saturday morning/afternoon. i ask for prayers as i prepare and go through the interview. see you all next time!
Wednesday, January 3
So it's 2007
kinda like a birthday- what really changes as that one second clicks into a new day? you? your friends? your job? the world around you? no, nothing really changes at all, except for the letters and numbers on the post mark stamp at the post office. and yet we put a lot of meaning into those "New Year" clicks of the second hand. and i'm not just talking about a big flashy ball dropping in new york or fire works going off over Navy Pier.
a handful of clicks determined whether a tombstone for a young Denver athlete will read "1982-2006" or "1982-2007". a couple clicks determined when illinois landlords began committing class B criminal misdemeanors because of the absence of carbon monoxide detectors in their rental units. that ticking second hand determined whether your newborn child can be claimed as a dependant just as soon as you get your W-2's, or if you're going to have to wait to claim those expenses until a year from now...
i can remember as an elementary student placing great weight on the last time i wrote the date with the "old year" and the first time i wrote the date with the new. i remember thinking about how incredible it was, that this one little instant, just like so many others, carried with it more meaning than all the others. now it's 1985--- poof! now it's not! what's so magic about one little jerk of the second hand anyway? what makes that particular little jerk so much more important than all the others?
perhaps i need to think about the situation conversely: what makes all the other stacatto jumps of the second hand so much LESS important? why do i not place equal importance on every moment i exist?
on the surface, it would appear that we do credit each moment as important: ours is a society ruled by calendars, schedules, watches, alarms, deadlines, start dates, delineated holidays, vacations scheduled in advance, activities worked together like jigsaw puzzles to get the most efficient use of our time out of the 24-hours we're given, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, for God only knows how many years.
or is that really the reason? are we really scheduling and living according to the calendar in order to get the most out of our available time? or are we constructing our lives into containers of 60-unit intervals because it's actually easier to do it that way instead of living our lives according to what is truly important?
the problem, of course, is that we live in a culture that would not function without chronological order, because the function of our culture is capitalism. and when the function of your society is to collect, produce, sell, buy, and enjoy the profit of consumer goods, non-scheduled life is not possible. i'm not bashing capitalism for the sake of bashing capitalism. but even if i wanted to try to organize my life (or my family's life, if i had children, etc.) around only what was truly important (and healthy) to me, i couldn't. there's too many other constraints present in my environment.
but i digress, again. even though my life is ruled by time, i tend not to truly place equal importance on every moment of time. i fall into the trap of valuing one block of time over another, and it affects my very mindset, my very understanding of my world. for instance, most of my life i have lived looking forward to "the next holiday". it starts in schools- looking forward to Christmas break, looking forward to Spring Break, looking forward to summer. then you go into the working world, and you keep looking forward to the next day off. thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's- then, oh fiddlesticks... nothing for MONTHS! unless you work for a government or financial or educational institution. then you might get martin luther king jr. day off. or president's day. or, here in chicago, roman pulaski day, off.
what's wrong with looking forward to the next day off? on the surface, nothing. but what happens when you come back to work, or to school, whatever, after one holiday, vacation, etc., and immediately focus on how long it is until the next? the interim time is immediately downgraded- no, DEgraded- to time that must be served, rather than time that gets to be enjoyed.
yeah, most people have work that they like to complain about and usually can say that they'd rather not be there. i've been in many job situations that my attitude was just so. even jobs that we initially or at the heart of it ENJOY, we can usually find stressful and wanting an escape from them. or our school/classes. or our job of caring for our children and families in the most important place, the home.
but maybe if we truly, radically stopped thinking about the moment we're in in terms of the moments to come, we'd relieve ourselves of a great deal of stress, pressure, anxiety. if we could somehow just BE exactly when we are, enjoying just BEING, we'd find our quality of being improve, at least mentally.
Jesus said it best, really. Scripture records many times this basic idea: why do we as mortal human beings worry ourselves with anything other than the right now? the Bible exhorts us to remember that God is truly in control, and will care for us even greater than He cares for the grass that withers after one day. we are directed by Jesus to seek only one thing: the kingdom of God.
my moments generally don't reflect a seeking of the kingdom of God. i'm not talking about going to africa a missionary here. i'm talking about living each moment in a way that praises and worships the One who gave me each moment. going to a bible study instead of watching my favorite TVshow. calling a friend, investing in this person who is a child of God, rather than playing a computer game. i should be cleaning and organizing my bedroom because it saps my energy and bears me down like an cartoon anvil rather than watching the movie i watched, taking the nap i took, playing the game with my roommates... reading the word of God at least as often as i read the latest issue of the 2 magazines i get. studying for the biology test i have to take January 27 rather than doing word searches, crosswords, or looking up municipal building codes.
if i could truly see time as ways to seek God and show God to others, rather than as little ticks that i am allotted to use as i see fit; rather than long stretches of time that must be endured in order to get to a somehow more important, better time; rather than viewing it as how much will i have to give up to do what must be done so that i can use all the rest for fun things.
if i could only look around every few clicks of that clock and think- wow, how was God present here just now? i'm quite confident that in doing this i would not only be better emotionally and physically, i'm certain that in seeking God in every moment He would give me the moments of rest that i have so desperately craved in the past. i read in His Word that He will provide everything i need, and this would include the moments of solitude, of peace, of rest, of relaxation that i tend to "look forward" to over all my other moments, and yet never truly seem to fully realize.
i'm rambling, i guess, now. but i went to a women's retreat in October that addressed the concept of time and how our culture's concept of time is really very detrimental and oppositional to how God wants us to live our lives. and with the New Year thing, it's been rambling about in my brain.
thanks for reading. (all 3 of you!) i guess i should sign off now and go see how i can seek God's kingdom in the next moments. prolly not by playing a game of computer boggle. or working on that crossword i started earlier... i should prolly get up, take a shower (haven't done that yet today) and spend some time seeking God's harmony in my life by putting my stacks of clean laundry away. and then i should pack up the 2 pre-paid USPS boxes i've had for two weeks to send to friends in PA and CO. They'd appreciate getting those, and i'd certainly be showing my love for God more by doing that than by doing another word search.
even if it is a book of Bible Word Searches. *grin*
i may schedule my life away, and have only a dozen moments of seeking the Kingdom of God. it's even harder being unemployed- i have all this time, and it's somehow even harder to use it.
a handful of clicks determined whether a tombstone for a young Denver athlete will read "1982-2006" or "1982-2007". a couple clicks determined when illinois landlords began committing class B criminal misdemeanors because of the absence of carbon monoxide detectors in their rental units. that ticking second hand determined whether your newborn child can be claimed as a dependant just as soon as you get your W-2's, or if you're going to have to wait to claim those expenses until a year from now...
i can remember as an elementary student placing great weight on the last time i wrote the date with the "old year" and the first time i wrote the date with the new. i remember thinking about how incredible it was, that this one little instant, just like so many others, carried with it more meaning than all the others. now it's 1985--- poof! now it's not! what's so magic about one little jerk of the second hand anyway? what makes that particular little jerk so much more important than all the others?
perhaps i need to think about the situation conversely: what makes all the other stacatto jumps of the second hand so much LESS important? why do i not place equal importance on every moment i exist?
on the surface, it would appear that we do credit each moment as important: ours is a society ruled by calendars, schedules, watches, alarms, deadlines, start dates, delineated holidays, vacations scheduled in advance, activities worked together like jigsaw puzzles to get the most efficient use of our time out of the 24-hours we're given, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, for God only knows how many years.
or is that really the reason? are we really scheduling and living according to the calendar in order to get the most out of our available time? or are we constructing our lives into containers of 60-unit intervals because it's actually easier to do it that way instead of living our lives according to what is truly important?
the problem, of course, is that we live in a culture that would not function without chronological order, because the function of our culture is capitalism. and when the function of your society is to collect, produce, sell, buy, and enjoy the profit of consumer goods, non-scheduled life is not possible. i'm not bashing capitalism for the sake of bashing capitalism. but even if i wanted to try to organize my life (or my family's life, if i had children, etc.) around only what was truly important (and healthy) to me, i couldn't. there's too many other constraints present in my environment.
but i digress, again. even though my life is ruled by time, i tend not to truly place equal importance on every moment of time. i fall into the trap of valuing one block of time over another, and it affects my very mindset, my very understanding of my world. for instance, most of my life i have lived looking forward to "the next holiday". it starts in schools- looking forward to Christmas break, looking forward to Spring Break, looking forward to summer. then you go into the working world, and you keep looking forward to the next day off. thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's- then, oh fiddlesticks... nothing for MONTHS! unless you work for a government or financial or educational institution. then you might get martin luther king jr. day off. or president's day. or, here in chicago, roman pulaski day, off.
what's wrong with looking forward to the next day off? on the surface, nothing. but what happens when you come back to work, or to school, whatever, after one holiday, vacation, etc., and immediately focus on how long it is until the next? the interim time is immediately downgraded- no, DEgraded- to time that must be served, rather than time that gets to be enjoyed.
yeah, most people have work that they like to complain about and usually can say that they'd rather not be there. i've been in many job situations that my attitude was just so. even jobs that we initially or at the heart of it ENJOY, we can usually find stressful and wanting an escape from them. or our school/classes. or our job of caring for our children and families in the most important place, the home.
but maybe if we truly, radically stopped thinking about the moment we're in in terms of the moments to come, we'd relieve ourselves of a great deal of stress, pressure, anxiety. if we could somehow just BE exactly when we are, enjoying just BEING, we'd find our quality of being improve, at least mentally.
Jesus said it best, really. Scripture records many times this basic idea: why do we as mortal human beings worry ourselves with anything other than the right now? the Bible exhorts us to remember that God is truly in control, and will care for us even greater than He cares for the grass that withers after one day. we are directed by Jesus to seek only one thing: the kingdom of God.
my moments generally don't reflect a seeking of the kingdom of God. i'm not talking about going to africa a missionary here. i'm talking about living each moment in a way that praises and worships the One who gave me each moment. going to a bible study instead of watching my favorite TVshow. calling a friend, investing in this person who is a child of God, rather than playing a computer game. i should be cleaning and organizing my bedroom because it saps my energy and bears me down like an cartoon anvil rather than watching the movie i watched, taking the nap i took, playing the game with my roommates... reading the word of God at least as often as i read the latest issue of the 2 magazines i get. studying for the biology test i have to take January 27 rather than doing word searches, crosswords, or looking up municipal building codes.
if i could truly see time as ways to seek God and show God to others, rather than as little ticks that i am allotted to use as i see fit; rather than long stretches of time that must be endured in order to get to a somehow more important, better time; rather than viewing it as how much will i have to give up to do what must be done so that i can use all the rest for fun things.
if i could only look around every few clicks of that clock and think- wow, how was God present here just now? i'm quite confident that in doing this i would not only be better emotionally and physically, i'm certain that in seeking God in every moment He would give me the moments of rest that i have so desperately craved in the past. i read in His Word that He will provide everything i need, and this would include the moments of solitude, of peace, of rest, of relaxation that i tend to "look forward" to over all my other moments, and yet never truly seem to fully realize.
i'm rambling, i guess, now. but i went to a women's retreat in October that addressed the concept of time and how our culture's concept of time is really very detrimental and oppositional to how God wants us to live our lives. and with the New Year thing, it's been rambling about in my brain.
thanks for reading. (all 3 of you!) i guess i should sign off now and go see how i can seek God's kingdom in the next moments. prolly not by playing a game of computer boggle. or working on that crossword i started earlier... i should prolly get up, take a shower (haven't done that yet today) and spend some time seeking God's harmony in my life by putting my stacks of clean laundry away. and then i should pack up the 2 pre-paid USPS boxes i've had for two weeks to send to friends in PA and CO. They'd appreciate getting those, and i'd certainly be showing my love for God more by doing that than by doing another word search.
even if it is a book of Bible Word Searches. *grin*
i may schedule my life away, and have only a dozen moments of seeking the Kingdom of God. it's even harder being unemployed- i have all this time, and it's somehow even harder to use it.
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