never alone?

there's a song by Barlow Girl called Never Alone. If you haven't heard it, i'd highly recommend finding a copy or calling your local Christian rock station and requesting it. It's pretty much the way i'm feeling this week. more like, it's a perfect description of what i'm clinging to this week.

i'm going to post the lyrics, but really, you've got to hear the music - the harmony and orchestration of beautiful musicality with the hardness of rock. it's one of those that is best listened to loud, and in stereo surround (like in my car...)

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

I'm hoping and praying for the unseen- i'm clinging to the promises in the Word that God takes care of His children. I'm doing my best to be active and positive rather than giving in to utter despondency and sitting in my basement staring at the wall, or sleeping my life's worries away. Both of those options are very alluring right now. Walls can be very interesting.

i don't see the point of God bringing us (me and cindy) right back to where we started: Two years ago almost to the day we moved into this aparment in chicago without any emploment between the two of us. And look! Two years later- that's exactly where we are again! desperately trying to cover expenses, trying to be self-sufficient, trying to feel like we're actually more than just empty baggage floating down the river of life... and i at least had unemployment benefits coming every two weeks, and that's what we've been living on since last septmber.

only, unemployment benefits aren't 52 weeks anymore. it's six months. and so i deposited my last check today, for less than the full amount. if i'd known it was going to run out, i would have started looking for PART time jobs at the new year, instead of just full time. i would have been prepared. i would have robbed a bank.

thing is, i have only myself to blame. i'd been thinking recently that i should call and doublecheck the status of my benefits. i'd slacked off sending as many resumes over the last two months and spent all my time studying for the biology content teaching exam, and then prepping for the CTF interview. i don't evn know if that's what God has prepared for me! I should not have decreased my efforts at seeking other opportunities. but honestly, it felt nice to know that i had this cushion of a couple of months yet- i wasn't in a hurry- i'd wait and see if i got into Chicago Teaching Fellows. that way i'd know if i needed a permanent or temporary job.

but hey, the plans of man dry up like withered grass, and burn in the sun, right?

i need a God-sized miracle of provision right now. we have to sign our lease in the next week. i can't guarantee i'll have rent on the 31st. we're looking for work, anywhere, doing anything, and we can't really drive our car because the brakes are grinding. i cannot function without my meds, but i will need more in 5 weeks. and this stupid keyboard is skipping letters every other word!!! argh! There's all these things i want to do, to be a part of here, but i can't do anything without money. needless to say, i've been sending a ton of resumes and calling a whole bunch this week. but then we (dana and me) went to teh grocery store, and i remembered i can't buy groceries. and won't be able to until something miraculous happens.

i'm very tired. tired of being desperate. tired of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. tired of not being a productive part of my community. tired of barely scraping by. tired.

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone