Just another Flushing Meadows Sunday...

Through the grainy broadcast signal of Channel 2 the tennis ball was at times indistinguishable from the fuzzy interference, but that wasn't going to stop me from watching the end of an incredible career. It was a battle that sounded familiar- Agassi vs. Becker- but was only an ironic allusion to matches of the past. This Becker wasn't Boris. This Agassi was playing his final professional tennis match with grace and gratitude.

Viewers were told that Agassi received multiple cortizone and pain shots in order to walk out of the tunnel and onto the court at the Arthur Ashe Stadium for his Round 3 match today. Nobody watching had to be told why Agassi chose the US Open for his final Tournament appearance: the crowd of nearly 25,000 in Flushing Meadows, NY gave Agassi the shots of adrenaline and frenetic encouragement that seem unique to the Agassi/US Open Fans long-term relationship. I've watched other players get support at the Open, especially in the center court of the courts, Arthur Ashe Stadium. But that support never appears so intense, so compelling, so emotionally involving as when it is being produced for Agassi.

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So this year, as Agassi made it clear that retirement was the immediate future, the electric charges surrounding his US Open matches were elevated to higher levels as everything he did might be the last time he did that. And today, I was tuned in to see if Andre could stave off "the last time" one time more. No one had any illusions about Andre getting past Round 4, even if he did get through this Round 3 game; Round 4 will most likely be Andy Roddick, a man who gave Agassi trouble when Andre was in much better physical condition. So Round 3 vs. Becker would probably be the last Agassi US Open win. After a phenomenal 5-set win in Round 2, we were ready to cheer just one more brilliant Agassi victory.

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Today, he almost pulled it out of nowhere- that "last Agassi US Open win". But somehow Becker pulled himself up out of a slow free fall in the fourth set, and for a few minutes, when it most counted, played as he had in the first set, when he was fresh instead of wearied and fighting his own cramping. Those few minutes were enough to fight off a 40-love break attempt by a weary Agassi and then to fire a couple of 120+mph aces to take the match in 4 sets. Just like that, in just a few moments- from another Agassi wear-the-opponent-down win prospect to watching the last ace whiz past- and we were watching the last time Agassi lost a US Open match.

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The players came to the net, the last time Andre greeted his opponent at a US Open center court. The players shook the hand of the umpire, the last US Open hand shake. Andre sat down in his courtside chair, and covered his shaved head with a white towel- the last time. That towel stayed up over his head, hands massaging his face, his eyes through the cotton, for longer than usual. Every person present had been standing long before Andre even made it back to his chair, and they would continue standing in an ovation that lasted a good five minutes.

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Once he pulled the towel away Andre walked to center court and gave his signature four-sided bow and kiss to the spectators. Tears were present on and off the court as everyone thought: the last bow. Not, so, though- some minutes later after still more ovation, after sitting and staring up around the stadium through teary and satisfied, incredulous eyes, he got back up and bowed again for the last time.

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Then, like he'd suddenly decided "this is it and it's time to go now" he packed his rackets, hoisted his bag, and walked with purpose to the tunnel, waving but not really pausing, that special bittersweet smile looking up for the last time before looking down and ducking into the shadow of off-court.

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Becker called him "my idol growing up".

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Andre gave the classiest farewell speech i've ever heard.

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The crowd at Arthur Ashe will remain standing, giving its ovation, for many years to come: every time one of the kids at Andre's Las Vegas charter school graduates the applause will spill forth; every time a kid walks into the Boys&Girls Club he funded voices will cheer; when people look at his life and learn from his progression from punk-a&& kid to class-act role model, the masses will jump to their feet.

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Every time Andre chases his daughter, or tosses a ball to his son, the crowd will roar as Andre leaves the tennis court for the last time and pours his energy into all the first times still ahead.

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Thanks Andre, for the journey.

I am Alive!

So, I have been absent. Blogging is sometimes hard for me to do, like writing in my journal. there are weeks and months in my journal with entries almost daily- and then- poof! i disappear for months. I think it's related to my depression- when i am in a "down" swing, i tend to dislike writing anything. journal, letters, email, blogs. years ago i wrote a poem- an oral poem only, that i memorized and the punch line was basically "but i can't write it down because then it would exist". for years before i was on meds for depression that was a main reason i wouldn't write- i just didn't want to have to face it later- or have it in writing as hard "proof" of my state of existance. i, like most people who suffer from depression of any sort, was very good at faking it, at covering up the absolute miserableness i really felt every minute of every day; to write something contrary to that was somehow hypocritical! what irony! since it was the fake, covering up me that was hypocritical.
Anyway- that's not usually why i don't write now. since i've been on meds, i don't usually feel like that- and when i do it's usually because i've messed up the meds. *grin* no, the reason i don't like to write when i'm in my funks now is just because it takes so- much- energy.
crazy? yeah. but when i'm in a down and out funk, the mental, emotional, and physical energy required to simply put my thoughts on paper or on screen is simply more than i feel capable of doing. and when my funk-filled mind considers the exertion it would take to do so, it frequently follows up with something to the effect of "you ain't got nothin' worth writin' anyway, so why bother?"
sometimes i don't blog because i haven't quite figured things out yet, the way i can do in a private hand-written journal. some things i can't figure out on screen. the neatly arranged rows of instantaneous typefont are fluid enough for the emotional intensity of my maelstorm mind. so i don't blog at all, because i don't want to blog about something inane and worthless, which i think is my only option to deep and profound.
so, i'm blogging now. still haven't truly figured everything out on paper. but i got a lot of it down, and figured, and mostly reconciled. and i'm starting to be able to see little happy things in my daily life. little things that were gone or i'd forgotten under the burden of stress i was carrying in the name of "making a living." and, although i am still rather terrified about how cindy and i are going to meet all of our financial needs with me unemployed and cindy working part time, i have come to the point that i can BREATHE again- truly breathe in deep refreshing calming droughts of Holy Spirit- and i can look back and recognize how unhealthy my job was for me. and for those around me. and i can breathe, look forward, and say without one trace of guilt or bitterness- in fact, i can take simple pure joy in saying it- "i never have to go back there again. those problems are no longer mine."
Praise Jesus.
tomorrow i start a one-week engagement as a temporary receptionist for a company whose normal lady is on vacation through next week. this is not through a temp agency, which means i actually get the real salary ($12/hr) and no taxes are withheld. since i won't be making enough from this job to have to file with the IRS, this is nice. and a nice little band-aid for my financial panic. it is also ideal in that other than answer the phones and check the fax machine, i have no duties. when i asked the receptionist what i should be doing in the other time, she pointed to the computer screen and said, "i shop online!" or read books, magazines, write, whatever. So, not only will i get to work in a very pleasant and friendly environment, with lots of natural light and foliage, i will be able to spend as much time on my job search as i would at home. maybe more, since i won't have the distraction of The Monkees at noon on MeTV. hee hee.
i am a little worried about getting there on-time after 10 days of not being able to go to sleep once i go to bed. started off little, but grew into a big deal- when you go to bed at 11 and lie there, desperately tired but unable to shut your mind down and fall asleep, until 2, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30... once even 4 o'clock... it makes it really really hard to keep yourself awake during the day (which you want to do, so that you might be tired enough to fall asleep that night), and it gets really really hard to keep up a good attitude. Sunday night was the worst. insomnia, mind won't shut up, an added fun facet of sinus pain and excrutiating headache, going back and forth from one end of bed to the other, sobbing in frustration, pain, deseration that please God i just want to go to sleep- then morphing into absolute anger and yelling at God (in my head of course, don't want to wake Cindy up) about how much this sucks, and how i'm not really sure he has any kind of plan in store for me at all, and that if He did, he sure sucked at guiding me down it, cuz i have tried and tired and tried to do what i think he wants and i've asked and asked for what he wants me to do to be clear, but it sure ain't worked so far, has it, God?!?!?!
Yes, emily wastn't so happy sunday night. i realized that it was the first time that i'd every really truly thought to myself "God doesn't have a thing in store for me. it's all a big joke."
that lasted about 20 minutes. *grin* but, the fact that it happened at all i think is significant. instead of just sugar-coating all my doubts in a layer of "but God has a plan for me" sticky sweetness, i was absolutely brutally honest with myself, and then with God, about how i was feeling in my soul. and after i got it all out, not only did i feel better physically from getting all that energy out, but God (of course) implemented the next little step of "guiding emily toward me and therefore healing" by prompting me to turn on my cd player (remote control) because maybe music will distract me mind long enough to fall asleep!!! (that's what i was thinking) and the Newsboys starts playing, track 1 "Devotion" and by the time i'm to track 7 (i call it "Lullaby") i'm ready to hit repeat and listen over and over to the refrain about God "building you a home, building you a home- selah"
mind you, my bed never did become comfortable that night, and after a half-dozen times of "Lullaby" the idea of going out to the couch actually sounded comfortable, and i did, and managed to sleep in fits and starts, waking up 4 times that i can remember to radically change position again. not really restful at all, but in some way, still nourishing. monday was great, with me getting two tailored resumes out, one of them being the one for this temp job i do tomorrow. monday night i slept better, if still not "well", and tuesday was a very good day which i will relate at another time. because it's midnight. and my alarm is going off at 5:30. and i'm hoping i can actually fall asleep in the next hour. if i do, it will be the earliest in more than a week!
for those of you out there praying for me after getting the brief message that i'd left my job, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. i love you all. i hope you've enjoyed reading this proof that i still exist, and am even enjoying some of my life.

The state of affairs in Chicago on Monday, July 18, 2006

Joe Cocker spent time in the Chicago Loop?

“Hot town summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk hotter than a match head “

 

High of 96 degrees, heat index of 105, 83% humidity.

 

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Battle Within

So, i've just had one of the more amusing telephone conversations to date with my father; a conversation that personifies the classic image of the angel on one shoulder warring with the demon on the other shoulder...

Mom and Dad are coming up tomorrow to visit us here in Chicago. I thought they were staying until Sunday, like at noon. they usually leave early enough on Sunday to be back in the Eastern Time Zone by 4:00 for their church service. But, i didn't know for sure if they were involved in anything that they HAD to be there or not.

So, i get an email from one of the guys in my office a bit ago- a forward from his wife at another company- a guy there has up to 6 tickets he's wanting to sell for $28 (dirt cheap) to the Sunday afternoon White Sox vs. Red Sox game. upper deck, behind home plate.

i immediately pick up the phone to call my mom (who is off all this week) and ask when they are planning on leaving chicago. instead, my dad answers. he says they're planning on leaving Saturday early evening. oh, well then nevermind, i say. Why? he asks. so i tell him.

the battle of wills has begun. he had been thinking of trying to get tickets even the night or afternoon of the first two Sox/Sox games on Friday and Saturday... he knows $28 is dirt cheap for this game, this year... he knows the game starts at 1:05, which is 2:05 Eastern. He knows there is no way he'd make it for church... he starts thinking out loud that maybe Evan could do the sound this Sunday... but crud, he relaly has to be there for Sunday School and he really can't not be there, and oh, man!

God- or the White Sox? *grin*

If only the tickets were for Saturday. God won.

just barely...

So, this is a fairly accurate representation of how i've been feeling of late... part of the reason that my blogging frequency has severely decreased.

for that, i apologize. i shall try harder to make myself write more. even if i don't "feel like it".

:)

I'm so excited!

I'm so excited because our cousins and their two girls are coming up this weekend, and we get the girls (ages 2 and 4) overnight Friday and all day Saturday and maybe even Saturday night (assuming the girls aren't sick of us or homesick for momma and poppa...)

 I'm so excited about this, that I'm even excited about CLEANING because I'm cleaning so that they can come!!! (they should come more often!) we're going to set up cindy's little pup tent in the family room and "camp" Friday nite, then hang with the girls at various parks/water features/the lake Saturday morning and early afternoon (or do indoor stuff if too hot), TAKE NAPS Saturday afternoon, then meet their parents downtown for dinner and the Hancock center and Millennium Park/Grant Park Music Festival concert. (Rod and Michelle will be spending an adult day at the Museum of Science and Industry without the girls. Rod's never been.)

 Cue music***I'm so excited- and I just can't hide it--- (do do, do do, doooo) I'm about to lose control, and I think I want to- I want to****

 Oh- AND I just found out that our office has decided on their summer outing: a yacht dinner cruise on the evening of August 3, which just happens to be my birthday!!! We get to invite one guest, so me and my sista' gonna' have something fun to do on my birthday!

 

Today's funny little blurb...

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

-compliments of the Metzlerton Bulletin Board thingy that I still haven't quite figured out...