the news of my demise...

i'm not dead yet!
in fact:
i feel better!
so much better, that:
i think i'll go for a walk!

ever feel like the cart is pulling up alongside, just waiting to take you out with the rest of the dead? luckily, i haven't got anyone in my life to thwack me over the head and make me eligible for the cart prematurely. this is lucky, you see, because i've been right at that "thrown over someone's shoulder to be carried out to the death cart" place for the last little while- and (as you can see in the still shot from the movie) it's a precarious position. but, i truly have been feeling better the last week or so, and think that my outlook just may be more fortunate than the outcome for the poor old man in the movie.

i am hopeful, at least. and hope is half the battle. maybe more than half.

(if you are clueless regarding the movie the still shot is taken from, then i will refer you to a transcript of this scene from this great and esteemed miracle of 20th century cinema: http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/grail-02.htm and encourage you to experience the movie in it's full glory- i've got it on dvd should you need it. hee hee.)

I have lately finished reading for the second time that volume of literature titled Jane Eyre; a novel of not only engaging characters and intrigue of plot, but one which also reminds the reader of the rather startling- indeed, frightening- decline in quality of the average person's usage of basic language in communication: namely, the near extinction of the art of writing and reading volumes containing more than the vocabulary of a small child and which are constructed of sentences and descriptive passages more complex than those employed by Dr. Seuss. Let me not convey that I disparage the talent or the place in our culture for Dr. Seuss as a literary figure; I have enjoyed the eccentric rhymes and jovial illustrations of that author as like as any other. I am merely struck by the extreme abandonment of the current so-called modern culture of the study and practice of language in it's more complex and effective forms. I think it is not mere coincidence that, as the true ability to author and orate in fine form has declined, so have the abilities of the common masses to construct thoughts and follow thoughts that are longer than 10 words and need more than 10 seconds to express. This lethargy of the mind, this loss of keen conversation and sharp observation conveyed within finely crafted sentences, appears to me as grave a deficiency of society as any other put forward by the statesmen, clerical leaders, and social commentators of our day.

And if you followed that, then i entreat you to go immediately to the library and procure for yourself a copy of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre forthwith.

still alive

i could really use some prayer right now for peace of mind and mental health. cindy and i are BOTH suddenly looking for jobs. i'm getting unemployment, but she is not eligible. her loss of job was sudden and unexpected, and reluctantly done.

car insurance is due nov. 20 and my eyeglasses broke last week. (the day before cindy found out about her job.) with the holiday season coming up, loss of income is even more keenly felt.

i'm confused and frustrated, and starting to feel angry at God, at myself, at my sister, at anyone who has more money than i do and wastes it frivolously... did i mention God? so, prayer would be very helpful. thanks.

on a positive note: Barbaro's cast was removed today! this is the cast on the leg that was actually injured in the Preakness; it has been replaced with plastic and fabric split/support wrap. his lower left foot is still bandaged and being treated for laminitis in the left rear hoof. that will need another six months to "fully" recover. i'm so thrilled. www.timwoolleyracing.com

quality literature

Jane Eyre.

'nuf said.
*sigh*

i tried blogging on friday....

but after 45 minutes of writing and getting to number 13 on a list of "random thoughts" my computer froze (or the blogger website froze) and i had to physically shut down my computer (control+alt+delete didn't work at all) and i lost everything! this really made me mad. i am not good at "recreating" my blogs. they are, by definition, random. spur of the moment. and this past friday's blog was a real-time commentary on what i was experiencing while perusing the 5 broadcast telelvision channels we get.
now, that doesn't sound very exciting, i know. but it included several number's-worth (on that list) talking about how angry i get at seeing God's creatures (humans) abusing other of God's creatures (humans and exotic animals). i was watching 20/20 and they had two stories- one on a wife-beater, and one on the increasingly dangerous tendency for exotic animals "sanctuaries" to be money-making up-close-and-personal encounters resulting in unsafe situations and death.
it also included a running commentary on the World Series game underway that evening. it turned out to be the last World Series game, as St Louis surprised just about everyone by winning the title in 5 games. my little comments about the state of the game were witty and amusing. you'll have to take my word on it.
those comments alos included the statement: "i would like to take this opportunity to declare one last time to the entire world that i live in the home of the Major League Baseball World Champions- the Chicago White Sox! Because, in about five minutes, barring a miracle for Detroit, i won't be able to say that any more..."
so tonight i am blogging just to say that i tried to blog on friday and was thwarted. but, i am still alive, and i am doing pretty well, all things considered.
in fact, today i was treated to an especially nice and wonderful occurance that lifted my spirits immensely all day long: i got a card from my friend melissa. and, not only was the card a welcomed encouragement, but this card also contained something more precious than gold: pictures of her gorgeous and adorable children!!!
i needed uplifting today, because this evening my eyeglasses broke. so tomorrow morning i will go out in search of dirt-cheap glasses. i have contacts that i can wear but only for short periods of time. so tonight i've been wearing my sunglasses (prescription, yes) and feeling rather silly. (yes, everyone, go ahead and start singing, my sister has been all evening: "i wear my sunglasses at night...")
okay, well, i'm going to go for this evening. don't want to risk another meltdown and loss of blog content. i'll try to write more regularly. sorry.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Is this cheating?

If i put the date i actually wrote this, it would be September 5. But if i put the date as September 5 when i'm really putting it into the computer on October 2, then that seems like it's cheating. but it also breaks up the items i'm blogging- so that instead of one huge big blog with today's date, i'd have several shorter blogs with the dates that i wrote stuff, just didn't get it entered.

So, is that cheating? i don't think so. maybe i'll make little notes at the bottom: written 9/5 entered 10/2? dunno. but here's what i wrote on monday, september 5.

um- okay. i can't seem to find what i wrote. this stinks. i guess the whole question of cheating is now moot.

well, now i don't know what to write. i'm still unemployed. of course, i can't really remember if i've written stuff about being unemployed or not. just today i was stuck again by how much i don't miss my job AT ALL. i was thinking about how much less stress is in my life. about how i don't wake up dreading getting out of bed, how i don't go to sleep dreading having to get up and go to work. about how much i didn't truly realize how stressed and full of dread my life had become. even without a job, i feel so weightless. it helps that cindy is working much more now, and that the umemployment officer saw things my way and i'm getting unemployment benefits. so i can breathe a bit while taking more time to try and find a job i'll actually enjoy. so far, haven't yet gotten any calls back from any of the jobs for which i've applied. this is discouraging. especially since one of them is at the Museum of Science and Industry in the Education department working with demonstrations to the public. *sigh* i could do that. i would enjoy that. but there are most probably a ton of people out there with a ton more qualifications. and that is what's frustrating. oh well.

gonna go now. really bummed i couldn't find the stuff i wanted to enter.

Just another Flushing Meadows Sunday...

Through the grainy broadcast signal of Channel 2 the tennis ball was at times indistinguishable from the fuzzy interference, but that wasn't going to stop me from watching the end of an incredible career. It was a battle that sounded familiar- Agassi vs. Becker- but was only an ironic allusion to matches of the past. This Becker wasn't Boris. This Agassi was playing his final professional tennis match with grace and gratitude.

Viewers were told that Agassi received multiple cortizone and pain shots in order to walk out of the tunnel and onto the court at the Arthur Ashe Stadium for his Round 3 match today. Nobody watching had to be told why Agassi chose the US Open for his final Tournament appearance: the crowd of nearly 25,000 in Flushing Meadows, NY gave Agassi the shots of adrenaline and frenetic encouragement that seem unique to the Agassi/US Open Fans long-term relationship. I've watched other players get support at the Open, especially in the center court of the courts, Arthur Ashe Stadium. But that support never appears so intense, so compelling, so emotionally involving as when it is being produced for Agassi.

.

So this year, as Agassi made it clear that retirement was the immediate future, the electric charges surrounding his US Open matches were elevated to higher levels as everything he did might be the last time he did that. And today, I was tuned in to see if Andre could stave off "the last time" one time more. No one had any illusions about Andre getting past Round 4, even if he did get through this Round 3 game; Round 4 will most likely be Andy Roddick, a man who gave Agassi trouble when Andre was in much better physical condition. So Round 3 vs. Becker would probably be the last Agassi US Open win. After a phenomenal 5-set win in Round 2, we were ready to cheer just one more brilliant Agassi victory.

.

Today, he almost pulled it out of nowhere- that "last Agassi US Open win". But somehow Becker pulled himself up out of a slow free fall in the fourth set, and for a few minutes, when it most counted, played as he had in the first set, when he was fresh instead of wearied and fighting his own cramping. Those few minutes were enough to fight off a 40-love break attempt by a weary Agassi and then to fire a couple of 120+mph aces to take the match in 4 sets. Just like that, in just a few moments- from another Agassi wear-the-opponent-down win prospect to watching the last ace whiz past- and we were watching the last time Agassi lost a US Open match.

.

The players came to the net, the last time Andre greeted his opponent at a US Open center court. The players shook the hand of the umpire, the last US Open hand shake. Andre sat down in his courtside chair, and covered his shaved head with a white towel- the last time. That towel stayed up over his head, hands massaging his face, his eyes through the cotton, for longer than usual. Every person present had been standing long before Andre even made it back to his chair, and they would continue standing in an ovation that lasted a good five minutes.

.

Once he pulled the towel away Andre walked to center court and gave his signature four-sided bow and kiss to the spectators. Tears were present on and off the court as everyone thought: the last bow. Not, so, though- some minutes later after still more ovation, after sitting and staring up around the stadium through teary and satisfied, incredulous eyes, he got back up and bowed again for the last time.

.

.

.

Then, like he'd suddenly decided "this is it and it's time to go now" he packed his rackets, hoisted his bag, and walked with purpose to the tunnel, waving but not really pausing, that special bittersweet smile looking up for the last time before looking down and ducking into the shadow of off-court.

.

.

Becker called him "my idol growing up".

.

Andre gave the classiest farewell speech i've ever heard.

.

The crowd at Arthur Ashe will remain standing, giving its ovation, for many years to come: every time one of the kids at Andre's Las Vegas charter school graduates the applause will spill forth; every time a kid walks into the Boys&Girls Club he funded voices will cheer; when people look at his life and learn from his progression from punk-a&& kid to class-act role model, the masses will jump to their feet.

.

Every time Andre chases his daughter, or tosses a ball to his son, the crowd will roar as Andre leaves the tennis court for the last time and pours his energy into all the first times still ahead.

.

Thanks Andre, for the journey.

I am Alive!

So, I have been absent. Blogging is sometimes hard for me to do, like writing in my journal. there are weeks and months in my journal with entries almost daily- and then- poof! i disappear for months. I think it's related to my depression- when i am in a "down" swing, i tend to dislike writing anything. journal, letters, email, blogs. years ago i wrote a poem- an oral poem only, that i memorized and the punch line was basically "but i can't write it down because then it would exist". for years before i was on meds for depression that was a main reason i wouldn't write- i just didn't want to have to face it later- or have it in writing as hard "proof" of my state of existance. i, like most people who suffer from depression of any sort, was very good at faking it, at covering up the absolute miserableness i really felt every minute of every day; to write something contrary to that was somehow hypocritical! what irony! since it was the fake, covering up me that was hypocritical.
Anyway- that's not usually why i don't write now. since i've been on meds, i don't usually feel like that- and when i do it's usually because i've messed up the meds. *grin* no, the reason i don't like to write when i'm in my funks now is just because it takes so- much- energy.
crazy? yeah. but when i'm in a down and out funk, the mental, emotional, and physical energy required to simply put my thoughts on paper or on screen is simply more than i feel capable of doing. and when my funk-filled mind considers the exertion it would take to do so, it frequently follows up with something to the effect of "you ain't got nothin' worth writin' anyway, so why bother?"
sometimes i don't blog because i haven't quite figured things out yet, the way i can do in a private hand-written journal. some things i can't figure out on screen. the neatly arranged rows of instantaneous typefont are fluid enough for the emotional intensity of my maelstorm mind. so i don't blog at all, because i don't want to blog about something inane and worthless, which i think is my only option to deep and profound.
so, i'm blogging now. still haven't truly figured everything out on paper. but i got a lot of it down, and figured, and mostly reconciled. and i'm starting to be able to see little happy things in my daily life. little things that were gone or i'd forgotten under the burden of stress i was carrying in the name of "making a living." and, although i am still rather terrified about how cindy and i are going to meet all of our financial needs with me unemployed and cindy working part time, i have come to the point that i can BREATHE again- truly breathe in deep refreshing calming droughts of Holy Spirit- and i can look back and recognize how unhealthy my job was for me. and for those around me. and i can breathe, look forward, and say without one trace of guilt or bitterness- in fact, i can take simple pure joy in saying it- "i never have to go back there again. those problems are no longer mine."
Praise Jesus.
tomorrow i start a one-week engagement as a temporary receptionist for a company whose normal lady is on vacation through next week. this is not through a temp agency, which means i actually get the real salary ($12/hr) and no taxes are withheld. since i won't be making enough from this job to have to file with the IRS, this is nice. and a nice little band-aid for my financial panic. it is also ideal in that other than answer the phones and check the fax machine, i have no duties. when i asked the receptionist what i should be doing in the other time, she pointed to the computer screen and said, "i shop online!" or read books, magazines, write, whatever. So, not only will i get to work in a very pleasant and friendly environment, with lots of natural light and foliage, i will be able to spend as much time on my job search as i would at home. maybe more, since i won't have the distraction of The Monkees at noon on MeTV. hee hee.
i am a little worried about getting there on-time after 10 days of not being able to go to sleep once i go to bed. started off little, but grew into a big deal- when you go to bed at 11 and lie there, desperately tired but unable to shut your mind down and fall asleep, until 2, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30... once even 4 o'clock... it makes it really really hard to keep yourself awake during the day (which you want to do, so that you might be tired enough to fall asleep that night), and it gets really really hard to keep up a good attitude. Sunday night was the worst. insomnia, mind won't shut up, an added fun facet of sinus pain and excrutiating headache, going back and forth from one end of bed to the other, sobbing in frustration, pain, deseration that please God i just want to go to sleep- then morphing into absolute anger and yelling at God (in my head of course, don't want to wake Cindy up) about how much this sucks, and how i'm not really sure he has any kind of plan in store for me at all, and that if He did, he sure sucked at guiding me down it, cuz i have tried and tired and tried to do what i think he wants and i've asked and asked for what he wants me to do to be clear, but it sure ain't worked so far, has it, God?!?!?!
Yes, emily wastn't so happy sunday night. i realized that it was the first time that i'd every really truly thought to myself "God doesn't have a thing in store for me. it's all a big joke."
that lasted about 20 minutes. *grin* but, the fact that it happened at all i think is significant. instead of just sugar-coating all my doubts in a layer of "but God has a plan for me" sticky sweetness, i was absolutely brutally honest with myself, and then with God, about how i was feeling in my soul. and after i got it all out, not only did i feel better physically from getting all that energy out, but God (of course) implemented the next little step of "guiding emily toward me and therefore healing" by prompting me to turn on my cd player (remote control) because maybe music will distract me mind long enough to fall asleep!!! (that's what i was thinking) and the Newsboys starts playing, track 1 "Devotion" and by the time i'm to track 7 (i call it "Lullaby") i'm ready to hit repeat and listen over and over to the refrain about God "building you a home, building you a home- selah"
mind you, my bed never did become comfortable that night, and after a half-dozen times of "Lullaby" the idea of going out to the couch actually sounded comfortable, and i did, and managed to sleep in fits and starts, waking up 4 times that i can remember to radically change position again. not really restful at all, but in some way, still nourishing. monday was great, with me getting two tailored resumes out, one of them being the one for this temp job i do tomorrow. monday night i slept better, if still not "well", and tuesday was a very good day which i will relate at another time. because it's midnight. and my alarm is going off at 5:30. and i'm hoping i can actually fall asleep in the next hour. if i do, it will be the earliest in more than a week!
for those of you out there praying for me after getting the brief message that i'd left my job, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. i love you all. i hope you've enjoyed reading this proof that i still exist, and am even enjoying some of my life.