...since I left Peru, said goodbye, took a plane to Atlanta.
(I love that song, One Week. However, I will not attempt to continue writing in the rhyme scheme of said cancion.)
A week ago, I was there, in the Jorge Chavez International Airport, boarding a 767 for Atlanta, connecting to Chicago Midway. A week ago, I was still on Peruvian soil. A week ago, I was still on summer vacation.
Now, I'm just unemployed. Now, I'm sending/submitting job applications, reluctantly; interviewing and procuring employment being the miraculous blessing that it would be, it would also be the final punctuation mark of NOT using that return trip ticket February 21. I've said already, and known it would be true: So far, it hasn't been THAT much harder to leave Peru and come back to the States because it's the third time I've done it. The previous two times, I was home for a month, and returned. It will get harder as the days pass, and my time is spent seeking gainful employment and trying to unpack my 36 years of life back into one room in my parents' basement, instead of seeking missionary support and repacking my next year's worth of teaching into two 50-lb suitcases.
I am reluctant to go to church tomorrow, to thank all those wonderful people for making my three years possible, especially this last year, and to tell them that I've no idea what I'll be doing now. I don't want to think about the fact that I don't get to prepare my classroom for the next group of third graders- for Diego, and Vittorio, for Sara Isabela and Paula and Hannah and Grecia, for Luciano and all the others whose stories I have heard from second grade teacher Katie Guerrero.
I don't want to think about the fact that I don't get to prepare ANY classroom, ANYwhere, for ANY students. That's really what I don't want to think about. And yet, I have to, if I ever want to get BACK to doing just that: I've got to figure out, search out, apply and pray for HOW God will put me back into a classroom, somewhere. Because if nothing else, my 3 years in Peru showed me very clearly that in a classroom is exactly where I desire to be, where God intended me to use the abilities He's given me.
I don't want to think about the fact that in this economy, I'll be lucky to find ANY job, let alone one that I'll actually grow in and enjoy. That's the fear I battle now: that I'll take the first available job because I need money to live by, and I'll end up in a position that saps the joy of living right out of me. Because that's what happened the last time I was in a similar situation, and it was, quite honestly, a little bit of hell on earth. My conviction that God will provide for me in a way that will NOT strip me of all joy is at war with the fallen fear of future unknowns, of becoming a stress and leech to my wonderful family.
I am not sure HOW I can still be fearful- my life is a testimony to the gracious provision of God, a witness to the blessings He bestows when I am following His will in faith. Fear, or Faith: that is the question, really.
When I have stepped in faith before, He has vanquished fear and led me beside still waters and green pastures through blackest shadows to a table of surety and safety set in the very presence of the things that seek to destroy me...
What has God done for you? When has He stilled your fears and amazed you with His mercy and provision? Seriously, I'd like to hear stories from others. Like it says in Romans, that 'all these things' were written for the encouragement and hope of others to come... (paraphrased), hearing the stories of others gives us the encouragement to hope that we often lack on our own. Can you take a moment to share? With everyone, or just to me?
Thank you all for your continued support. I have received some 'extra Christmas' checks that have really been helpful. I have felt always that I am prayed for, and that is such a gift for which I can't express my thanks enough.
One week. 4000 miles. What will one MORE week bring? (Eyes on Jesus, not on my own footprints, right?)
Peace and grace to you all,
Emily
I don't know if this will help Emily, but giving up control of your life is a difficult thing. I find that looking back is an amazing cure when I feel the future is vast and unknown. I gave this testimony in church during the Christmas season, and although my dream was a simple one, I think the result applies to big ones too:
ReplyDeleteEach year around this time, our home reminds me of a stable. Our house is cold. Just ask my teenage daughter on any given winter evening. Even my husband, the warmest man on earth, can be found clad in up to two layers of clothing with a blanket wrapped round while spending an evening at home. Most of the time we are too busy to notice much of anything other than the flurry of family activities from band boosters to slumber parties, from gymnastics practice to church activities, but those stolen moments at home, though filled with affectionate warmth, are rarely what you would call balmy.
About three years ago, I began the quest for good, economic insulation. The estimates given seemed to be unreachable considering that our savings were minimal after several years of living paycheck-to-paycheck as a single job family. This is not a story about money as you may think, but about Faithfulness – as in God’s to us, and I suppose, ours to Him (meager though it may be).
Before our daughter was born, we made the decision to tithe as a sign to God that our trust was in Him, and our lives, in his hands. Back then my faith journey was at a high. I had just come out of college where spiritual experiences abounded and nothing seemed to get in the way of my relationship with God. During two years of Voluntary Service which brought us to Elkhart, I developed Crohn’s Disease and went through some very difficult times, but God brought us through despite the stress of hospital and doctor’s bills many of which were paid by the generous donations of friends.
Even after we started our little family, and I stopped working to be a stay at home mom, I felt God’s loving, care. It’s difficult to understand now, looking back how we made it. Little things helped along the way: a baby shower given by the church, a bighearted friend from our Sunday school class who took me shopping for necessities, a woman for whom I had worked part-time who sold me children’s clothes at far below the usual price. Always, we seemed to have just enough. Back then all the expenses came first and somehow there were miraculous ways to afford them, a friend who fixed things or a bargain available at the right time. Even after my daughter was old enough and I started back to work, it was difficult to catch up, but we still gave.
That was when we started trying to save for insulation, and that was when our lives got busier too. The older our daughter got, the more we got involved. We would save a little and something would come up for which we had to pay, something at school, a medical bill, or something would need to be fixed. Saving for us takes a long time, and at times it was very tempting to eliminate our tithing to help us make it through. Sometimes I gave in to that temptation, but surprisingly God did not give up on us. Even when our pay was reduced temporarily during the economic crisis this year we made it through.
Our insulation will be installed in January, and I have learned that God is faithful. All this time while we were working through our daily lives, God was working miracles, and we barely even noticed it. Somehow, he made it possible for us to continue to give...even when we thought there was not enough.
Marty Lehman
Moving from Illinois to Des Moines was a big one for me. Going home was a discipline for not growing up the first time (i.e. Drake). Going back was a bit of facing demons (i.e. failure) and faith. I wanted to come back and I felt I should but I had no vision or voice from heaven. I came back with a signed lease for a year to live with Tom but no job. I found a salary job the first day here. God provided.
ReplyDeleteGoing to school was similar but less stressful. I was losing my job and needed to do something. School seemed reasonable for the time. I dont regret it at all.
Graduate school was a risk though. Now I had a wife and two kids and was quitting a well paying job with benefits to take a job I had no idea if I was capable of with no benefits and a 60% pay cut. How was it going to work? Would I fail school again? So far so good but I still struggle with fear. Fear of failing, fear of running out of money for my family, etc. I fear the outcome may not be what I actually want and I fear that I am doing it all without God.
-- Michael Snodgrass
Fear-- or Faith? Watching Joyce Meyers this week, and she is always a good one for when I need to be reminded that God is not a wimp. And He doesn't desire for His children to have wimpy, timid spirits. Reminders that I have to keep stepping out in faith *through* the fear. And always with eyes on helping others more than myself, trusting God to provide for me EVEN IF i am not spending all my time worrying and trying to prepare for those things. I'm not good at that. I wonder if I will ever be able to say I am.
ReplyDeleteWhat I WANT to be able to say, is that I fought every day with the determination of the Holy Spirit to love God first, seek His kingdom first, and that I now have a list of God's faithfulness to me to show for it...
I personally believe that being upfront, honest, and open about the fears we all have, the fears that we are haunted by, the fears that Satan uses against us, by bringing those very fears into the light, the Light will pierce them, and their effectiveness as tools of darkness will plummet.
Not only that, but when I see others struggling with the things I am, I start focusing on praying for THEM, on searching Scripture for words to comfort THEM, and not only do I encourage THEM, the Spirit has used them to encourage me, and the end result is HOPE instead of FEAR.
I believe, help my unbelief. Every. Single. Day.