So, i haven't been blogging as much- i guess since things are better i'm not freaking as much, therefore this is not the catharsis it was when i WAS deperately freaking.
i am at a temp job on lunch and so this will be brief, but i wanted to update everyone on life and give a big huge praise and thanks to God Almighty, who really IS a provider! okay so i knew that in my head, but the last month was a test of that in my heart, and well, i guess since God doesn't need to pass any test, it was I who passed. GOD IS GOOD and i just wanted to publicly tell ya'll that! our bills are being paid (still not sure how), our spirits are being fed (ditto), and i have new carpet in my bedroom finally!!! (still haven't told ya'll that story- and i even have pics!)
pray now for: continued temp work for me; that cindy and i will be able to act as election equipment managers on april 17 and earn the $500 that goes with that (each); for my interview at Shedd Aquarium next tuesday (april 3) at 2:00 p.m. and the wisdom to decided whether i should take the position if it is offered to me (more on that later).
yep, those are the 3 big needs right now. thanks and i love you and am praying for you as well (i've been praying for other people MORE during this time of crisis for me- defense mechanism of "my life is overwhelming and there's nothing i can do but trust God, so instead of thinking about that, i will pray hard for everyone else in my life, near and far!)
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again i will say: Rejoice. the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4 (not sure of verses)
Tuesday, March 27
Thursday, March 15
Today's update
I have an appointment tomorrow at 11:00 with a different temp agency. it is downtown. i am still playing phone tag with the Floor Manager at Shedd. I sent 4 resumes out today, two of them for positions i think i would actually really like.
Again, or immediate need is for immediate work and immediate pay. We are supposed to resign our lease and drop it off tomorrow. i am really struggling with signing a lease when i have no way to pay for rent. on the other hand, i have no way to pay for moving out, either. my biggest struggle is with asking our third roommate Dana to sign the lease knowing that we cannot pay. This requires her to have faith that God will somehow provide too. Somehow, that stress upon her doesn't seem fair, since we're the ones without employment.
So please pray for all three of us and our living together. we like living together as a little "mini-family-unit" and cindy and i really have no other options but to resign the lease and keep praying to God for provision. Please pray for Dana in all this. Thanks.
i'm trying to also think about ways God IS providing for us- and so: we were able to borrow a friend's car and go to Aldi to buy some groceries; I have money in my account to buy some groceries; i have a roof over my head to keep out the freezing rain, and heat that comes on every so often to keep the temperature much higher than the 34 degrees it is outside right now; i have a CTA pass to get me downtown to my interview tomorrow; i have clean clothes to wear to the interview, and a computer and printer to create and print a resume and cover letters to take to my interview; i have internet access so i can job search and send out resumes and cover letters; i have friends who love me.
of course, please note that for half of those things that i just listed, quick on their heels come thoughts such as "although i'm not paying for that internet access and can't" and "although i owe dana money for the printer ink that i can't give her" so i guess i'm only really half successful in concentrating on my daily blessings... sigh. oh, also, cindy is getting sick again- please pray for her to get well. it's hard to job search when you don't have any voice at all...
love you all!
Again, or immediate need is for immediate work and immediate pay. We are supposed to resign our lease and drop it off tomorrow. i am really struggling with signing a lease when i have no way to pay for rent. on the other hand, i have no way to pay for moving out, either. my biggest struggle is with asking our third roommate Dana to sign the lease knowing that we cannot pay. This requires her to have faith that God will somehow provide too. Somehow, that stress upon her doesn't seem fair, since we're the ones without employment.
So please pray for all three of us and our living together. we like living together as a little "mini-family-unit" and cindy and i really have no other options but to resign the lease and keep praying to God for provision. Please pray for Dana in all this. Thanks.
i'm trying to also think about ways God IS providing for us- and so: we were able to borrow a friend's car and go to Aldi to buy some groceries; I have money in my account to buy some groceries; i have a roof over my head to keep out the freezing rain, and heat that comes on every so often to keep the temperature much higher than the 34 degrees it is outside right now; i have a CTA pass to get me downtown to my interview tomorrow; i have clean clothes to wear to the interview, and a computer and printer to create and print a resume and cover letters to take to my interview; i have internet access so i can job search and send out resumes and cover letters; i have friends who love me.
of course, please note that for half of those things that i just listed, quick on their heels come thoughts such as "although i'm not paying for that internet access and can't" and "although i owe dana money for the printer ink that i can't give her" so i guess i'm only really half successful in concentrating on my daily blessings... sigh. oh, also, cindy is getting sick again- please pray for her to get well. it's hard to job search when you don't have any voice at all...
love you all!
Tuesday, March 13
Well, God is still good...
I must add an amendment to the previous blog- when we got back from the after school program at 5:30 there were multiple messages from the staffing agency- the assignment has been cancelled (not just mine, but two other positions at same place). so i call the cell phone number the staffing guy left me and he says there were "contractural issues" between the agency and the client, and until the issues are settled, can't send anyone, and the client cancelled the order pending. *sigh*
so, no job tomorrow morning. of course, this does not mean that God is NOT awesome. He is. i'm not sure what he was trying to prove with this little yo-yo, but maybe He was just showing me a little bit of flexing before he reels the big one in for me. i choose to remain hopeful, and i am choosing to continue to trust God to give me another way to meet the financial obligations i have.
the yo-yo may not affect just me: today at After School Program i told all the staff and the kids that it was my last day. i guess it was kinda nice to see that people were truly bummed by that. one girl did nothing but glare at me for the rest of the homework time, refusing to talk to me or let me help with her homework (she's one of the ones i usually do help, and an especially sweet girl- but wait- we're not supposed to have favorites!). so, i'll show up on thursday, barring another provision.
positive note: in addition to the cancellation messages there was another message from Shedd Aquarium wanting to schedule an interview. I had previously heard from a woman on Sunday and have been playing phone tag sunday p.m. and yesterday and this morning. the message today was from another woman, so maybe the first one was out of the office or something. When I discovered i no longer had unemployment coming, i started applying to part time jobs as well as full time. The Shedd job is listed as a seasonal part time. seasonal usually means through the end of the summer. it's for Program Interpretation, so it'd be like what i used to do at the Science Center of Iowa and as a Docent at the zoo. i have no idea what kind of hours i could get, or how much it would pay. i'm not counting on too much in either category, but again, i'm not going to create any expectations. not when the God of the Universe is involved.
i also got a call from a woman at church about a position where she works- a front desk/data base maintainer/manuscript screener etc. position at a Christian magazine company. not a huge one- i've never even heard of it. but one of the editors is a Mennonite guy, so it can't be too bad. hee hee. the company guy asked her to please forward anyone's info to him. but this position would not start right away, so i'd still need some temp stuff.
So, it's a bit of an about-face, but not hopeless. and somehow i'm more hopeful after almost getting something than i was before. maybe God really was just reassuring me that He's on the job, and gently asking "where is your faith, oh person rocked by the stormy sea?"
oh, and speaking of faith and God's plan for me- here's the Chicago TEaching Fellows update for today: i was NOT accepted into the program. sorry. i think the people around me are more distraught by this than i am. yes, i suppose it is a disappointment of sorts, but in the weeks since the interview my mindset has changed, mostly as a result of praying for God to change it.
See, one of the units in the Bible study i'm doing talked about George Mueller. Great man of God in England a century or two ago. and it talked about the way George discerned the will of God. it had the process written out as George described it, and step one of six was
so after the interview i realized how much i really was thinking "i have to get into this program, i just HAVE to, this is what God has planned- this is it!" instead of "i have done all that i can do to meet the earthly requirements needed for God to use this program as a path for my life, and now i will continue to seek God's direction in every other area of employment as well". but in the last two weeks especially, i'd been able to say- you know God, whatever You want me to do- this at least is a clear-cut way for me to know. i'm fine with whatever happens. i'll trust that You have a plan either way.
and so my anxiety this past four days of not knowing was just because of that- not knowing. i knew i'd be ok with any result, because i was able to trust that the result was in God's will, even if i couldn't see why.
sure, it would have been nice to say that i was one of 150 out of 2,000 that got chosen. but that's my ego. i will find another way to teach. and this whole process reminded me that i AM a capable teacher- i got an interview, something only about 30% of the applicants got, and i passed a test i've been DREADING, and i passed it with flying colors. i now have confidence in my ability to pass other tests if needed (different state, etc.). and i was reminded that i have been blessed with above average life sciences intelligence. the process re-awoke the passion to teach and to reach "at risk" kids in general; that passion had been smothered almost entirely by the circumstances of the 18 months prior to my starting the Chicago Teaching Fellows process back in November.
so, although it may have seemed like the perfect next chapter in my life, I will not be teaching this fall with the Fellows program. they sent me a link to other alternative programs and i will of course pursue that info; at a glance, nothing there would be for this fall either, but i'll look more tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, now that i'm not working, i'll have plenty of time to get the last pieces of furniture out of my bedroom in anticipation of getting new carpet installed. but oh- i never did blog about THAT whole fiasco, did i? i'll have to take a few pics and tell the story- but that will definately be for next time!
love you all!
so, no job tomorrow morning. of course, this does not mean that God is NOT awesome. He is. i'm not sure what he was trying to prove with this little yo-yo, but maybe He was just showing me a little bit of flexing before he reels the big one in for me. i choose to remain hopeful, and i am choosing to continue to trust God to give me another way to meet the financial obligations i have.
the yo-yo may not affect just me: today at After School Program i told all the staff and the kids that it was my last day. i guess it was kinda nice to see that people were truly bummed by that. one girl did nothing but glare at me for the rest of the homework time, refusing to talk to me or let me help with her homework (she's one of the ones i usually do help, and an especially sweet girl- but wait- we're not supposed to have favorites!). so, i'll show up on thursday, barring another provision.
positive note: in addition to the cancellation messages there was another message from Shedd Aquarium wanting to schedule an interview. I had previously heard from a woman on Sunday and have been playing phone tag sunday p.m. and yesterday and this morning. the message today was from another woman, so maybe the first one was out of the office or something. When I discovered i no longer had unemployment coming, i started applying to part time jobs as well as full time. The Shedd job is listed as a seasonal part time. seasonal usually means through the end of the summer. it's for Program Interpretation, so it'd be like what i used to do at the Science Center of Iowa and as a Docent at the zoo. i have no idea what kind of hours i could get, or how much it would pay. i'm not counting on too much in either category, but again, i'm not going to create any expectations. not when the God of the Universe is involved.
i also got a call from a woman at church about a position where she works- a front desk/data base maintainer/manuscript screener etc. position at a Christian magazine company. not a huge one- i've never even heard of it. but one of the editors is a Mennonite guy, so it can't be too bad. hee hee. the company guy asked her to please forward anyone's info to him. but this position would not start right away, so i'd still need some temp stuff.
So, it's a bit of an about-face, but not hopeless. and somehow i'm more hopeful after almost getting something than i was before. maybe God really was just reassuring me that He's on the job, and gently asking "where is your faith, oh person rocked by the stormy sea?"
oh, and speaking of faith and God's plan for me- here's the Chicago TEaching Fellows update for today: i was NOT accepted into the program. sorry. i think the people around me are more distraught by this than i am. yes, i suppose it is a disappointment of sorts, but in the weeks since the interview my mindset has changed, mostly as a result of praying for God to change it.
See, one of the units in the Bible study i'm doing talked about George Mueller. Great man of God in England a century or two ago. and it talked about the way George discerned the will of God. it had the process written out as George described it, and step one of six was
i seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to given matter. Nine-tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. Nine-tenths of the difficulties are overcome when our hearts are ready to do the knowledge of what His will is.
so after the interview i realized how much i really was thinking "i have to get into this program, i just HAVE to, this is what God has planned- this is it!" instead of "i have done all that i can do to meet the earthly requirements needed for God to use this program as a path for my life, and now i will continue to seek God's direction in every other area of employment as well". but in the last two weeks especially, i'd been able to say- you know God, whatever You want me to do- this at least is a clear-cut way for me to know. i'm fine with whatever happens. i'll trust that You have a plan either way.
and so my anxiety this past four days of not knowing was just because of that- not knowing. i knew i'd be ok with any result, because i was able to trust that the result was in God's will, even if i couldn't see why.
sure, it would have been nice to say that i was one of 150 out of 2,000 that got chosen. but that's my ego. i will find another way to teach. and this whole process reminded me that i AM a capable teacher- i got an interview, something only about 30% of the applicants got, and i passed a test i've been DREADING, and i passed it with flying colors. i now have confidence in my ability to pass other tests if needed (different state, etc.). and i was reminded that i have been blessed with above average life sciences intelligence. the process re-awoke the passion to teach and to reach "at risk" kids in general; that passion had been smothered almost entirely by the circumstances of the 18 months prior to my starting the Chicago Teaching Fellows process back in November.
so, although it may have seemed like the perfect next chapter in my life, I will not be teaching this fall with the Fellows program. they sent me a link to other alternative programs and i will of course pursue that info; at a glance, nothing there would be for this fall either, but i'll look more tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, now that i'm not working, i'll have plenty of time to get the last pieces of furniture out of my bedroom in anticipation of getting new carpet installed. but oh- i never did blog about THAT whole fiasco, did i? i'll have to take a few pics and tell the story- but that will definately be for next time!
love you all!
God is Good - a job for me!
Okay, so ya'll might know i've been a mite anxious about finances, seeing as how my unemployment stopped and i wasn't expecting it to and cindy is also not working full time. Yesterday i went to a temp agency in Evanston (first subburb north of chicago, about ten minutes from home) and today they called and told me that they showed my resume to someone and they want me to come in tomorrow at 9 and start working! $13/hr! Praise God!
Also, a praise bc temp agencies pay weekly, so i will get two paychecks before the next rent! i might just have enough for our portion of rent!!!
please also pray for cindy- that God is preparing a place for her to work.
This temp job is at Resurrection HEalth Care (big HC name around here) and i will be doing data entry and filing and i'm not sure what. but it's to cover a medical leave, so they want a temp person not a temp-to-hire person, and temp only is what i want right now so i can keep looking for the perfect job, or if i get into
the FEllows program.
The only down side is that this is a 8-5 job so today will be my last day with the after school program. *frown* i will truly miss those kids!
BUT: PRAISE GOD! this past week has been a very humbling experience. a good one. but still tough. thanks God.
Really tho- a God who creates beauty such as this can certainly manage to take care of my small needs! (pic taken in Hawaii)
Also, a praise bc temp agencies pay weekly, so i will get two paychecks before the next rent! i might just have enough for our portion of rent!!!
please also pray for cindy- that God is preparing a place for her to work.
This temp job is at Resurrection HEalth Care (big HC name around here) and i will be doing data entry and filing and i'm not sure what. but it's to cover a medical leave, so they want a temp person not a temp-to-hire person, and temp only is what i want right now so i can keep looking for the perfect job, or if i get into
the FEllows program.The only down side is that this is a 8-5 job so today will be my last day with the after school program. *frown* i will truly miss those kids!
BUT: PRAISE GOD! this past week has been a very humbling experience. a good one. but still tough. thanks God.
Really tho- a God who creates beauty such as this can certainly manage to take care of my small needs! (pic taken in Hawaii)
Sunday, March 11
The Fellows website has issues
Today's login brought to light the information that the Chicago Teaching Fellows web site is experiencing technical difficulties. So, they are working to resolve the problem and i imagine there are quite a few people wondering like i am. i mean, there's at least 150 or so from my interview day alone...
btw- please give me feedback on my new and (hopefully) improved blog layout/content. (all five of you who read.)
oh, and that reminds me- There have been three different times that someone has left a comment that gets listed as "Anonymous"- which means that the person(s) does not have a blogger account. that's fine, but if you do leave a comment and are doing so under "Anonymous" can you please sign it with your name? at least your first name? it's just i can't figure out who it is...
Here is a picture for today, just to let winter know we haven't forgotten him, so he doesn't need to come back anytime soon to remind us. (it's 54 degrees right now!!!) And hey, there's never too many tiger pics... *Sigh* what a magnificent creature. thanks, God.
btw- please give me feedback on my new and (hopefully) improved blog layout/content. (all five of you who read.)
oh, and that reminds me- There have been three different times that someone has left a comment that gets listed as "Anonymous"- which means that the person(s) does not have a blogger account. that's fine, but if you do leave a comment and are doing so under "Anonymous" can you please sign it with your name? at least your first name? it's just i can't figure out who it is...
Here is a picture for today, just to let winter know we haven't forgotten him, so he doesn't need to come back anytime soon to remind us. (it's 54 degrees right now!!!) And hey, there's never too many tiger pics... *Sigh* what a magnificent creature. thanks, God.
New Blog Layout and Losing an Hour
I have changed my blog layout, which i have been wanting to do; i had grown quite bored of the old one, but hadn't had time nor inclination to change. so, now i have. and now i'm thinking, well isn't this interesting: because i've changed the template the background color is different, and therefore some of my blogs are now really difficult to read, because i had manually selected colors when writing the blogs knowing they'd be on the old background. does that make any sense? i thought about going back and changing all of them, but am i going to do that if i decide to change the template again? so, i'm going to try my best to always leave the text color automatic. hopefully, that will mean that future changes will "automatically" update and be readible??? one can only hope.
so, i apologize to you if you go back and read something and find it really difficult to read because of the text colors.
now, the second part of my late night entry- i despise Daylight Savings Time. absolutely despise this whole changing the clocks every spring and fall. i have yet to find someone, anyone who can give me a truly solid and iron-clad reason for the continued observance of this daylight savings scheme. tonight, i will lose an hour of sleep. those of you who know me will know how very irked that fact makes me. so hear i am, not tired at all yet, but looking at the clock and thinking that i really need to be asleep because it's really ten til one, and not ten til midnight.
sigh. it's always fun showing up at church the morning of the clock switches- people arriving an hour early or an hour late.
of course, then there's people like me, who have recently been an hour (or more) late to church on a day when there was no time change. *grin* love ya'll.
(nothing online about the teaching program yet.)
so, i apologize to you if you go back and read something and find it really difficult to read because of the text colors.
now, the second part of my late night entry- i despise Daylight Savings Time. absolutely despise this whole changing the clocks every spring and fall. i have yet to find someone, anyone who can give me a truly solid and iron-clad reason for the continued observance of this daylight savings scheme. tonight, i will lose an hour of sleep. those of you who know me will know how very irked that fact makes me. so hear i am, not tired at all yet, but looking at the clock and thinking that i really need to be asleep because it's really ten til one, and not ten til midnight.
sigh. it's always fun showing up at church the morning of the clock switches- people arriving an hour early or an hour late.
of course, then there's people like me, who have recently been an hour (or more) late to church on a day when there was no time change. *grin* love ya'll.
(nothing online about the teaching program yet.)
Saturday, March 10
No info yet, sorry
For whatever reason, the web site for the Fellows program has not updated, so it looks like i'll have to wait for the snail mail version. Don't worry, i'll let you all know ASAP, and i will call the program ifi don't get anything in the mail by tuesday.
in the meantime, please be praying that i can find immediate temp work after interviewing for them on Monday. or, rather, be praying for God's provision in my life, and peace enough for me to not freak out before i see God's provision. Thanks.
in the meantime, please be praying that i can find immediate temp work after interviewing for them on Monday. or, rather, be praying for God's provision in my life, and peace enough for me to not freak out before i see God's provision. Thanks.
Wednesday, March 7
God really is awesome
So, I was pretty despondent a couple of hours ago (see "never alone?") and God is still cool. it's amazing what praying with your pastor and then putting together a playlist of some of the best Christian music can do for one's state of mind! Thanks, God!
never alone?
there's a song by Barlow Girl called Never Alone. If you haven't heard it, i'd highly recommend finding a copy or calling your local Christian rock station and requesting it. It's pretty much the way i'm feeling this week. more like, it's a perfect description of what i'm clinging to this week.
i'm going to post the lyrics, but really, you've got to hear the music - the harmony and orchestration of beautiful musicality with the hardness of rock. it's one of those that is best listened to loud, and in stereo surround (like in my car...)
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I'm hoping and praying for the unseen- i'm clinging to the promises in the Word that God takes care of His children. I'm doing my best to be active and positive rather than giving in to utter despondency and sitting in my basement staring at the wall, or sleeping my life's worries away. Both of those options are very alluring right now. Walls can be very interesting.
i don't see the point of God bringing us (me and cindy) right back to where we started: Two years ago almost to the day we moved into this aparment in chicago without any emploment between the two of us. And look! Two years later- that's exactly where we are again! desperately trying to cover expenses, trying to be self-sufficient, trying to feel like we're actually more than just empty baggage floating down the river of life... and i at least had unemployment benefits coming every two weeks, and that's what we've been living on since last septmber.
only, unemployment benefits aren't 52 weeks anymore. it's six months. and so i deposited my last check today, for less than the full amount. if i'd known it was going to run out, i would have started looking for PART time jobs at the new year, instead of just full time. i would have been prepared. i would have robbed a bank.
thing is, i have only myself to blame. i'd been thinking recently that i should call and doublecheck the status of my benefits. i'd slacked off sending as many resumes over the last two months and spent all my time studying for the biology content teaching exam, and then prepping for the CTF interview. i don't evn know if that's what God has prepared for me! I should not have decreased my efforts at seeking other opportunities. but honestly, it felt nice to know that i had this cushion of a couple of months yet- i wasn't in a hurry- i'd wait and see if i got into Chicago Teaching Fellows. that way i'd know if i needed a permanent or temporary job.
but hey, the plans of man dry up like withered grass, and burn in the sun, right?
i need a God-sized miracle of provision right now. we have to sign our lease in the next week. i can't guarantee i'll have rent on the 31st. we're looking for work, anywhere, doing anything, and we can't really drive our car because the brakes are grinding. i cannot function without my meds, but i will need more in 5 weeks. and this stupid keyboard is skipping letters every other word!!! argh! There's all these things i want to do, to be a part of here, but i can't do anything without money. needless to say, i've been sending a ton of resumes and calling a whole bunch this week. but then we (dana and me) went to teh grocery store, and i remembered i can't buy groceries. and won't be able to until something miraculous happens.
i'm very tired. tired of being desperate. tired of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. tired of not being a productive part of my community. tired of barely scraping by. tired.
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
i'm going to post the lyrics, but really, you've got to hear the music - the harmony and orchestration of beautiful musicality with the hardness of rock. it's one of those that is best listened to loud, and in stereo surround (like in my car...)
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I'm hoping and praying for the unseen- i'm clinging to the promises in the Word that God takes care of His children. I'm doing my best to be active and positive rather than giving in to utter despondency and sitting in my basement staring at the wall, or sleeping my life's worries away. Both of those options are very alluring right now. Walls can be very interesting.
i don't see the point of God bringing us (me and cindy) right back to where we started: Two years ago almost to the day we moved into this aparment in chicago without any emploment between the two of us. And look! Two years later- that's exactly where we are again! desperately trying to cover expenses, trying to be self-sufficient, trying to feel like we're actually more than just empty baggage floating down the river of life... and i at least had unemployment benefits coming every two weeks, and that's what we've been living on since last septmber.
only, unemployment benefits aren't 52 weeks anymore. it's six months. and so i deposited my last check today, for less than the full amount. if i'd known it was going to run out, i would have started looking for PART time jobs at the new year, instead of just full time. i would have been prepared. i would have robbed a bank.
thing is, i have only myself to blame. i'd been thinking recently that i should call and doublecheck the status of my benefits. i'd slacked off sending as many resumes over the last two months and spent all my time studying for the biology content teaching exam, and then prepping for the CTF interview. i don't evn know if that's what God has prepared for me! I should not have decreased my efforts at seeking other opportunities. but honestly, it felt nice to know that i had this cushion of a couple of months yet- i wasn't in a hurry- i'd wait and see if i got into Chicago Teaching Fellows. that way i'd know if i needed a permanent or temporary job.
but hey, the plans of man dry up like withered grass, and burn in the sun, right?
i need a God-sized miracle of provision right now. we have to sign our lease in the next week. i can't guarantee i'll have rent on the 31st. we're looking for work, anywhere, doing anything, and we can't really drive our car because the brakes are grinding. i cannot function without my meds, but i will need more in 5 weeks. and this stupid keyboard is skipping letters every other word!!! argh! There's all these things i want to do, to be a part of here, but i can't do anything without money. needless to say, i've been sending a ton of resumes and calling a whole bunch this week. but then we (dana and me) went to teh grocery store, and i remembered i can't buy groceries. and won't be able to until something miraculous happens.
i'm very tired. tired of being desperate. tired of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. tired of not being a productive part of my community. tired of barely scraping by. tired.
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
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